Noel Coward Quotes

Noel Coward spins clever, playful banter mixing satire, poetry, and a hint of melancholy.

47 quotes

1. Amanda: Whose yacht is that? Elyot: The Duke of Westminster's I expect. It always is. Amanda: I wish I were on it. Elyot: I wish you were too. Amanda: There's no need to be nasty. Elyot: Yes, there is every need. I've never in my life felt a greater urge to be nasty.

2. Elyot: I met her on a house party in Norfolk. Amanda: Very flat, Norfolk. Elyot: There's no need to be unpleasant. Amanda: That was no reflection on her, unless of course she made it flatter.

3. Elyot: Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs.

4. In tropical climes There are certain times Of day When all the citizens retire To take their clothes off and perspire. It's one of those rules That the greatest fools Obey, Because the sun is far too sultry And one must avoid its ultra Violet ray.

5. The natives grieve When the white men leave Their huts. Because they're obviously, Definitely Nuts.

6. Mad Dogs & Englishmen Go out in the midday sun. The Japanese don't care to, The Chinese wouldn't dare to, Hindus and Argentines Sleep firmly from twelve to one, But Englishmen Detest a Siesta.

7. Such a surprise For the eastern eyes To see, That though the English are effete, They're quite impervious to heat.

8. It seems such a shame When the English claim The Earth, That they give rise To such hilarity And mirth.

9. In Rangoon The heat of noon Is just what the natives shun, They put their Scotch Or Rye down And lie down.

10. In a jungle town Where the sun beats down To the rage of man and beast, The English garb Of the English sahib Merely gets a bit more creased. In Bangkok At twelve'o'clock They foam at the mouth and run, But mad dogs and Englishmen Go out in the midday sun.

11. In Hong Kong They strike a gong And fire off a noonday gun To reprimand Each inmate Who's in late.

12. In Bengal, To move at all Is seldom if ever done.

13. Mad about the boy I know it's stupid to be mad about the boy I'm so ashamed of it but must admit the sleepless nights I've had About the boy

14. On the silverscreen He melts my foolish heart in every single scene Although I'm quite aware that here and there are traces of the cad About the boy

15. Lord knows I'm not a fool girl I really shouldn't care Lord knows I'm not a school girl In the flurry of her first affair

16. Will it ever cloy This odd diversity of misery and joy I'm feeling quite insane and young again And all because I'm mad about the boy

17. So if I could employ A little magic that will finally destroy This dream that pains me and enchains me But I can't because I'm mad... I'm mad about the boy

18. Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington Don't put your daughter on the stage The profession is overcrowded And the struggle's pretty tough And admitting the fact she's burning to act That isn't quite enough She's a big girl and though her teeth are fairly good She's not the type I ever would be eager to engage I repeat, Mrs. Worthington, sweet Mrs. Worthington Don't put your daughter on the stage

19. The stately homes of England we proudly represent, We only keep them up for Americans to rent. Tho' the pipes that supply the bathroom burst And the lavat'ry makes you fear the worst It was used by Charles the First (quite informally), And later by George the Fourth on a journey north, The state apartments keep their historical reknown, It's wiser not to sleep there in case they tumble down; But still if they ever catch on fire Which with any luck they might, We'll fight for the stately homes of England.

20. Gary: You ought never to have joined the Athenaeum Club, Henry: it was disastrous. Henry: I really don't see why. Gary: It's made you pompous. Henry: It can't have. I've always been too frightened to go into it.

21. Gary: Beryl Willard is extremely competent. Beryl Willard has been extremely competent, man and boy, for forty years. In addition to her extreme competence, she has contrived, with uncanny skill, to sustain a spotless reputation for being the most paralysing, epoch-making, monumental, world-shattering, God-awful bore that ever drew breath...I will explain one thing further - it is this. No prayer, no bribe, no threat, no power, human or divine, would induce me to go to Africa with Beryl Willard. I wouldn't go as far as Wimbledon with Beryl Willard. Liz: What he's trying to say is that he doesn't care for Beryl Willard.

22. Morris: I'll never speak to you again until the day I die! Gary: Well, we can have a nice little chat then, can't we?

23. Charles: Anything interesting in The Times? Ruth: Don't be silly, Charles.

24. Christopher Marlowe or Francis Bacon The author of Lear remains unshaken Willie Herbert or Mary Fitton What does it matter? The Sonnets were written.

25. 'Proceeding on the assumption that the reader of this preface is interested in the development of my musical talent, I will try to explain, as concisely as I can, how, in this respect, my personal wheels go round. To begin with, I have only had two music lessons in my life. These were the first steps of what was to have been a full course at the Guildhall School of Music, and they faltered and stopped when I was told by my instructor that I could not use consecutive fifths. He went on to explain that a gentleman called Ebenezer Prout had announced many years ago that consecutive fifths were wrong and must in no circumstances be employed. At that time Ebenezer Prout was merely a name to me (as a matter of fact he still is, and a very funny one at that) and I was unimpressed by his Victorian dicta. I argued back that Debussy and Ravel had used consecutive fifths like mad. My instructor waved aside this triviality with a pudgy hand, and I left his presence forever with the parting shot that what was good enough for Debussy and Ravel was good enough for me. This outburst of rugged individualism deprived me of much valuable knowledge, and I have never deeply regretted it for a moment.'

26. Having to read a footnote resembles having to go downstairs to answer the door while in the midst of making love.

27. Acting is not a state of being ... but a state of appearing to be. You can't be eight times a week without going stark staring mad. You've got to be in control.

28. It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

29. I'll go through life either first class or third, but never in second.

30. Everybody worships me, it's nauseating.

31. That strange feeling we had inthe war. Have you found anything in your lives since toequal it in strength? A sort of splendid carelessness it was, holding us together.

32. Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.

33. Squash - that's not exercise, it's flagellation.

34. If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday.

35. Hollywood is a place where some people lie on the beach and look up at the stars, whereas other people lie on the stars and look down at the beach.

36. My importance to the world is relatively small. On the other hand, my importance to myself is tremendous. I am all I have to work with, to play with, to suffer and to enjoy. It is not the eyes of others that I am wary of, but of my own. I do not intend to let myself down more than I can possibly help, and I find that the fewer illusions I have about myself or the world around me, the better company I am for myself.

37. To take a gloomy view of life is not part of my philosophy; to laugh at the idiocies of my fellow creatures is. However, at this particular moment I cannot find so much to laugh at as I would like.

38. Let's drink to the spirit of gallantry and courage that made a strange Heaven out of unbelievable Hell, and let's drink to the hope that one day this country of ours, which we love so much, will find dignity and greatness and peace again.

39. Why do I drink Champagne for breakfast? Doesn't everyone?

40. For gin, in cruel sober truth, supplies the fuel for flaming youth.

41. It's no use to go and take courses in playwriting any more than it's much use taking courses in acting. Better play to a bad matinée in Hull, it will teach you much more than a year of careful instruction.

42. I'll go and see anything so long as it amuses me, or moves me. If it doesn't do either I want to go home.

43. I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.

44. People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.

45. I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.

46. Though the fact that they have to be rebuilt And frequently mortgaged to the hilt Is inclined to take the gilt Off the gingerbread, And certainly damps the fun Of the eldest son.

47. She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache.