5 Bill Hicks Quotes on Family

Bill Hicks quotes on family

1. That's why my girlfriend and I broke up: she wanted kids, and I : well, she wanted kids. [laughs] I had no idea her philosophy was that flawed. She goes, 'Wouldn't it be nice to have a kid? To have this fresh, clean slate which we could fill. A little clean spirit, innocent, and to fill it with good ideas.' Yeah, yeah, how about this? If you're so fucking altruistic, why don't you leave the little clean spirit wherever it is right now? Okay? Horrible act, childbirth. Nightmare. Bringing : I would never bring a kid to this fucking planet.

5. One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die, you know, and my parents are gonna come to clean out my apartment, find that porno wing I've been adding onto.

29. But I'll tell you this. Where's this idea that childbirth is a miracle come from? I missed that fucking meeting, okay. 'It's a miracle. Childbirth is a miracle.' No, it's not. No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass, all right. It's a chemical reaction, that's all it fucking is. You wanna know what a miracle is? Raising a kid that doesn't talk in a movie theatre. Okay, there. There is a goddamn miracle. Not a miracle if every nine months any yin yang in the world can drop a litter of these mewling cabbages on our planet. And just in case you haven't seen the single mom statistics lately, the miracle is spreading like wild-fire. 'Hallelujah!' Trailer parks and council flats all over the world, just filling up with little miracles. THUNK, THUNK, THUNK - like frogs laying eggs - THUNK. 'Look at all my little miracles' - THUNK - 'filling up my trailer like a sardine can.' THUNK. 'You know what would be a real miracle? If I could remember your daddy's name.' THUNK. 'I guess I'll have to call you Lorry Driver Junior.' THUNK. 'That's all I remember about your daddy, was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding on top of me shooting his caffeine-ridden semen into my belly to produce my little water-headed miracle baby. Oh, there's your brother, Pizza Boy Delivery Junior.' 'Hallelujah!' Just hold on for a minute. Let's figure out this food/air deal, okay? Okay. I'm just weird, you know. How about have a neat world for kids to come to? Okay, it's me. Fuck it.

42. 'Come on, Bill, they're the New Kids. They're so good and so clean-cut and they're such a good image for the children.' Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking rocked! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit. I want someone who plays from his fucking heart!

103. This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going: 'What, what?' Let me just clarify: I know you think they're special : ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you that they're not! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of two-hundred million - that load, we're only talking about one load - connected: Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off of my chest with a grey gym sock. Entire civilizations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! [:] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: 'Unngh : what's for fucking breakfast?!'