People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' 'Nothing.' 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' 'Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?'

But I'll tell you this. Where's this idea that childbirth is a miracle come from? I missed that fucking meeting, okay. 'It's a miracle. Childbirth is a miracle…

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend you look around the world in which we live, and : I don't know, shut your fucking mouth?

In many parts of our troubled world, people are yelling 'Revolution!'. In Tennessee they're yelling 'Evolution! We want our thumbs!'

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Politeness is organized indifference.

A gloomy guest fits not a wedding feast.