338 Satire Quotes

Nobody and nothing beats The Simpsons. Even after all this time, it's still the best satire since Monty Python.

I think the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout the Middle East and sending liberals to Guantanamo.

Satire, though it may exaggerate the vice it lashes, is not justified in creating it in order that it may be lashed.

After years of patient study (and with cricket there can be no other kind), I have decided that there is nothing wrong with the game that the introduction of golf carts wouldn't fix in a hurry.

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

Take a little walk down Know You Role Boulevard, hang that right on Jabroni Drive, and then proceed to check your Aunt Jemima no-pancake-havin' ass di-rectly into the Smackdown Hotel!

From the point of view of a tapeworm, man was created by God to serve the appetite of the tapeworm.

At least one way of measuring the freedom of any society is the amount of comedy that is permitted, and clearly a healthy society permits more satirical comment than a repressive, so that if comedy is to function in some way as a safety release then it must obviously deal with these taboo areas. This is part of the responsibility we accord our licensed jesters, that nothing be excused the searching light of comedy. If anything can survive the probe of humour it is clearly of value, and conversely all groups who claim immunity from laughter are claiming special privileges which should not be granted.

The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?

At the mention of the name and offence of this degraded being a great sound went up from the entire multitude - a universal cry of execration, not greatly dissimilar from that which may be frequently heard in the crowded Temple of Impartiality when the one whose duty it is to take up, at a venture, the folded papers, announces that the sublime Emperor, or some mandarin of exalted rank, has been so fortunate as to hold the winning number in the Annual State Lottery.

All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I'd sooner go to my dentist any day.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

There is only one way to make money at writing, and that is to marry a publisher's daughter.

You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?

Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.

Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

So let's give another big tax cut to the super-rich. That'll teach bin Laden a lesson he won't soon forget.

I'm not saying that all college students are subhuman - I'm just saying that if you aim to spend a few years mastering the art of pomposity, these are places where you can be taught by undisputed experts.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

The most perfect caricature is that which, on a small surface, with the simplest means, most accurately exaggerates, to the highest point, the peculiarities of a human being, at his most characteristic moment in the most beautiful manner.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.

Some forms of reality are so horrible we refuse to face them, unless we are trapped into it by comedy. To label any subject unsuitable for comedy is to admit defeat.

Obviously, the answer to oil spills is to paper-train the tankers.

If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

Suicide was against the law. Johnny had wondered why. It meant that if you missed, or the gas ran out, or the rope broke, you could get locked up in prison to show you that life was really very jolly and thoroughly worth living.

Everyone knows it takes a woman nine months to have a baby. But you Americans think if you get nine women pregnant, you can have a baby in a month.

Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple.

A parade is the worst form of transportation known to man.

How convenient it would be to many of our great men and great families of doubtful origin, could they have the privilege of the heroes of yore, who, whenever their origin was involved in obscurity, modestly announced themselves descended from a god.

It's a more ridiculing, divisive humor today, especially with the advent of political incorrectness, which is a license to be as ridiculing and awful about certain groups... There should be room for everybody, absolutely, and then the culture is going to decide the prevailing weight. We can't decide it individually. Nobody is here without a reason. ... I always had a different sensibility. I like a huge range of comedy - from broad and farcical, the most sensitive, the most understated - but I always wanted my comedy to be more embracing of the species rather than debasing of it.

If I were fierce, and bald, and short of breath, I'd live with scarlet Majors at the Base, And speed glum heroes up the line of death.

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound - with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the 'No Fact Zone'. Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.

Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass, is my point. But I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.

I must confess the the activities of the UK governments for the past couple of years have been watched with frank admiration and amazement by Lord Vetinari. Outright theft as a policy had never occurred to him.

Come let us mock at the great That had such burdens on the mind And toiled so hard and late To leave some monument behind, Nor thought of the levelling wind.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

a politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man

On Jerry Falwell: If you gave Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox.

The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: 'There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.'

That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

'When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?' This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

We're the phone company. We don't care; we don't have to.

Never mind his carbon footprint - have you seen the size of Al Gore's regular footprint lately? It's almost as deep as Janet Reno's

Some of you might be familiar with some of my more famous tips from the past. How to get rid of counterfeit money? Put it in the collection plate at church!

I was lucky enough on this trip to interview none other than the late Adolf Hitler. I was gratified to learn that he now feels remorse for any actions of his, however indirectly, which might have had anything to do with the violent deaths suffered by thirty-five million people during World War II. He and his mistress Eva Braun, of course were among those casualties, along with four million other Germans, six million Jews, eighteen million citizens of the Soviet Union and so on. 'I paid my dues with everyone else,' he said. It is his hope that a modest monument, possibly a stone cross, since he was a Christian, will be erected somewhere in his memory, possibly on the grounds of the United Nations Headquarters in New York. It should be incised, he said, with his name and dates 1889-1945. Underneath should be a two-word sentence in German: 'Entschuldigen Sie.' Roughly translated into English, this comes out, 'I beg your pardon,' or 'Excuse Me.'

'No no, Jock:we're going to push him out of a window. Your bedroom window, I think. Yes, and we'll undress him first and say that he was making advances to you and jumped out of the window in a frenzy of thwarted love.' 'I say, Charlie, really, what a filthy rotten idea; I mean, think of my wife.' 'I never think of policemen's wives, their beauty maddens me like wine.'

When I quoted Bulwer Lytton's 'The pen is mightier than the sword' to Marty Feldman he added reflectively, 'Yes, and considerably easier to write with.'

Stormtrooper Mel (Mel Brooks): 'Don't be stupid, be a smarty / Come and join the Nazi Party!'

I'm pleased that the Ministry of Culture is protecting the morals of the expat bankers and their girlfriends that are going to be coming.

Once again we look to England for great oratory Tony Blair: Militant Liberal. Over here in America George W. Bush. Compassionate Conservative...I don't know what that is really. Kinda sounds like a Volvo with a gun rack, I don't know why!

Suppose the neutral angels were able to talk to Yahweh and Lucifer- God and Satan, to use their popular titles- into settling out of court. What would be the terms of the compromise? Specifically, how would they divide the assets of their earthly kingdom? Would God be satisfied to take loaves and fishes and itty-bitty thimbles of Communion wine, while allowing Satan to have the redeye Gravy, eighteen ounce New York steak, and buckets of chilled champagne? Would God really accept twice-a-month lovemaking for procreative purposes and give Satan the all-night, no-holds-barred, nasty 'can't-get-enough-of-you' hot-as-hell fucks?

Springtime for Hitler and Germany Deutschland is happy and gay! We're marching to a faster pace Look out, here comes the master race!

And one said smiling 'Pretty were the sight If our old halls could change their sex, and flaunt With prudes for proctors, dowagers for deans, And sweet girl-graduates in their golden hair.

I have decided to move from the planet. I'm sorry but I simply cannot remain on a world where Paris Hilton is allowed to publish 'memoirs.' (Sunday, September 05, 2004)

a question on reparations has got to be confusing when you're half-white and half-black. What do you do? Demand an apology for slavery and money from yourself? I guess biracial reparations would involve sending yourself money, then sending back a portion of that money to yourself, minus 50 percent in processing fees - which is the same way federal aid works.

One [cartoon] showed Muhammad turning away suicide bombers from the gates of heaven, saying 'Stop, stop - we ran out of virgins!' - which I believe was a commentary on Muslims' predilection for violence. Another was a cartoon of Muhammad with horns, which I believe was a commentary on Muslims' predilection for violence. The third showed Muhammad with a turban in the shape of a bomb, which I believe was an expression of post-industrial ennui in a secular - oops, no, wait: It was more of a commentary on Muslims' predilection for violence ... Muslims are the only people who make feminists seem laid-back.

'Out came Ms. Hilton in a Juicy track suit, chattering away like a Gibbon on her jewel encrusted cell phone. It was like magic, if magic were like a extra-strength laxative.'

He is dreadfully married. 'He's the most married man I ever saw in my life.'

The sun has a right to 'set' where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen.

N.B. This is rote sarcastikul.

Under Capitalism you sell your piss to the urinal.

I had to calm down because a state trooper pulled up alongside me at a traffic light and began looking at me with that sort of casual disdain you often get when you give a dangerously stupid person a gun and a squad car.

The directors of Synthank were eating an enormous luncheon to celebrate the launching of their new product. Some of them wore the plastic face-masks popular at the time. All were elegantly slender, despite the rich food and drink they were putting away. Their wives were elegantly slender, despite the food and drink they too were putting away. An earlier and less sophisticated generation would have regarded them as beautiful people, apart from their eyes.

The bright old day now dawns again; the cry runs through the the land, In England there shall be dear bread-in Ireland, sword and brand; And poverty, and ignorance, shall swell the rich and grand, So, rally round the rulers with the gentle iron hand, Of the fine old English Tory days; Hail to the coming time!

Many stupid people refuse to believe in a supreme power. I felt like that once but then I had a moment of revelation when I realised that everyone was talking nonsense and that there was an all-powerful benign intelligence that controlled our destinies. The ignorant and uneducated blamed Him for allowing wars in which thousands died or floods in which people's homes were swept away while He merely looked on. 'Why does He allow evil to happen?' they asked, as if this was a sensible question. But it isn't. The fact remains that George Bush does exist. Although He moves in mysterious ways and His sayings are sometimes difficult to comprehend, if we have faith in George Bush all will be revealed and our lives will be transformed. We could not wish for more.

What do you call a room full of lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

Quotes from MAD magazine with 'future quotes we can expect to hear'...[2]

The royal refugee our breed restores With foreign courtiers and with foreign whores, And carefully repeopled us again, Throughout his lazy, long, lascivious reign.

So come on, women. Stop being so hard on us guys. Start looking past our macho, hairy exteriors at the thoughtful, sensitive, and yes, vulnerable individuals we can be inside. And while you're at it, make us a sandwich.

If, in reading this, you are uncertain as to whether a specific statement is meant seriously or not, simply apply this rule of thumb: If the statement makes you consider filing a lawsuit, I was kidding. Ha ha!

I'll be back ya black motherfucker. Wide nose havin' motherfuckers! They shoulda never gave you niggas money! You don't appreciate shit! You know you can get another couch. What am I gonna do about my legs Eddie Murphy!?

Black Bush: Oil? Oil? Who said anything about oil, Bitch you cooking? (tosses the water) RUN!!

P. Diddy: All right, I got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I'm gonna have to shut down the studio. The good news is that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

Dylan : I mean come on mon, who are the five greatest rappers of all time? [counting down on fingers] Dylan, Dylan, DYLAN, Dylan, and Dylan. Because I spit hot-fire!

(Talking about the Clinton/ Lewinsky scandal)'Busy men fuck who's close to them. Its like Clinton just stuck his head out the door, 'You! You, get in here. Get my penis sucked before my 3:30.' '

'I could be the first black president. I mean I don't think anyone would hurt me; some people might want to hurt me, but I don't think they'd touch me. Because my vice president would be Mexican for a little 'insurance.' I mean you can shoot me, but you're just gonna open up the border.'

Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave, I'm writing a book! With all my thought in it. La la la!

It may well be, that the future historian, asked to point to the most characteristic expression of the English temper in the period between the two wars will reply without hesitation, 'Colonel Blimp'.

They say that the AntiChrist will be born of a monk and a nun. If so, there must already be thousands of AntiChrists.

I attacked with great resolution the editorial matter, and, reading it from beginning to end without understanding a syllable, conceived the possibility of its being Chinese, and so re-read it from the end to the beginning, but with no more satisfactory result.

I heard your prayers Thank God it's all over!

No one is 'openly' black. Well, maybe James Brown. Or Louis Farrakhan. Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black. Colin Powell is openly white. He just 'happens to be' black.

I know what you're thinking. You're all thinking, 'Jesus, he's not going to attack children, is he?' Yes, he is! He's going to attack children! And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking. I know what I'm talking about.

Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced on the television news as if it's an actual event. I don't give a shit! If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday I'd have memorized it years ago. And I'd send him a card: 'Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday. Love, George.' But I don't. Why? I don't give a shit. Fuck Mickey Mouse! Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick! And then break it off and beat him with the rest of it! I hope Mickey dies! I do - I hope he goddamn dies! I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten in the soiled baseport of a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy's pants. No wonder no one takes this country seriously anymore - we waste valuable time informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent!

Tonight's Forecast: dark, it will be mostly dark tonight, followed by widely scattered light in the morning.