11 George Carlin Quotes on Satire

George Carlin quotes on satire

15. Some of you might be familiar with some of my more famous tips from the past. How to get rid of counterfeit money? Put it in the collection plate at church!

23. No one is 'openly' black. Well, maybe James Brown. Or Louis Farrakhan. Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black. Colin Powell is openly white. He just 'happens to be' black.

32. I know what you're thinking. You're all thinking, 'Jesus, he's not going to attack children, is he?' Yes, he is! He's going to attack children! And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking. I know what I'm talking about.

76. George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

91. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

97. 'When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?' This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

103. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

119. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Pancake Institute, and it says 'Fuck waffles'.

130. Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced on the television news as if it's an actual event. I don't give a shit! If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday I'd have memorized it years ago. And I'd send him a card: 'Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday. Love, George.' But I don't. Why? I don't give a shit. Fuck Mickey Mouse! Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick! And then break it off and beat him with the rest of it! I hope Mickey dies! I do - I hope he goddamn dies! I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten in the soiled baseport of a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy's pants. No wonder no one takes this country seriously anymore - we waste valuable time informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent!

185. Tonight's Forecast: dark, it will be mostly dark tonight, followed by widely scattered light in the morning.

205. Prayer: please let me find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.