George Carlin Quotes on Language
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'Fussy eater' is a euphemism for 'big pain in the ass'.
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And, of course, the funniest food: 'kumquats'. I don't even bring them home. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
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No matter what color you are, 'You go, girl' should probably go! Right along with 'You the man!'
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'Happens to be.' 'He happens to be black.' Like it's a fucking accident, you know. He happens to be black? Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He had two black parents? Oh, yes, that's right, two black parents. And they fucked? Oh, indeed they did. So where does the surprise part come in? I would think it would be more unusual if he just 'happened' to be Scandinavian!
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Here would be a good name for a gay restaurant: The Mouthful. Oh come on, that's clever shit! That's a double pun, God damn it; you didn't think of it! Besides, you don't have to eat there if you don't want to. No. Just go in, have a cocktail. Or a Highball.
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You know something people don't talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts.
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Another word you don't hear too often is dingleberries. You know, you never hear it on Meet the Press. I think it's because dingleberries is one of those words you don't say too much past your tenth birthday. It's not a grown-up's word; it's a kid's word. Dingleberries! It always sounded kind of Christmas-y to me. Don't you think it has a holiday ring to it? Dingleberries. John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door. Then when Marianne comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries! 'It is to be devoutly wished : that she would kiss me : under the dingleberries.'
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'Every child is special.' Boy, they said it over and over, as if to convince themselves, 'every child is special', and I kept saying, 'fuuuck you!' Every child is clearly not special.
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Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is 'a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result.' For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic.
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If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
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Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
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There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are 7 you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 : to 7. They must really be baaad. They must be outrageous to be separated from a group that large. 'All of you words over here, you seven : baaad words'. That's what they told us, right? 'That's a bad word!!' Awww. No bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooords. You know the seven, don't you? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the words that'll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits, wow! And tits doesn't even belong on the list! It seems like such a friendly word. Sounds like a nickname. 'Hey Tits, come here man! Tits! Meet my friend Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots'. Sounds like a snack : oh yeah, it is. Right. But I don't mean your sexist snack, I mean new Nabisco Tits. Corn Tits n' Sesame Tits n' Cheese Tits : Tater Tits. Bet you can't eat just one!!
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Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
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'Meow' means 'woof' in cat.
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'No comment' is a comment.
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There are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one seems to know how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza.
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Why do people say 'I'm going to take a shit'? : They don't take a shit, they leave one.
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69 : 71, which is 69 with two fingers up your ass : 68, which is 'You do me an' I'll owe you one.' Women hear that one all the time!
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Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat! 69 assholes tied in a knot! Hooray! Lizard shit! Fuck!
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You can prick your finger, just don't finger your prick.
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We have more ways to describe dirty words than we actually have dirty words. We call them bad words, dirty, filthy, foul, vile, vulgar, coarse, in poor taste, unseemly, street-talk, gutter-talk, locker room language, barbaric talk, bawdy, naughty, saucy, raunchy, rude, crude, lewd, indecent, profane, obscene, blue, off-color, suggestive, cursing, cussing, swearing and all I could think of was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits!
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Now I've got you, my cheerful twin! It's you or me, and I shall win! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!