9 George Carlin Quotes on Absurdity

George Carlin quotes on absurdity

19. I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

34. So why is it they allow a guy with big, powerful hands to get on board an airplane? I'll tell you why: they know he's not a security risk, because he's already answered the three big questions. Question number one: 'Did you pack your bags yourself?' No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely Lobster Newberg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way Around-The-World, and then they packed my bags. Next question. 'Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?' No. Usually the night before I travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there, unattended, for several hours. Just for good luck. Next question. 'Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?' Hmm : well, what exactly is an 'unknown person'? Surely everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Yusef Ali Ben Gabba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest.

54. One guy, about a month ago, was given three consecutive life terms, plus two death penalties. How the fuck do you serve that? Even David Copperfield can't do that shit. In order to do that, you'd have to be a Hindu.

63. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr.

95. I've found him, I have Jesus in the trunk.

129. Honk if your horn is broken.

189. When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.

192. If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. (Napalm and Silly Putty)

205. Prayer: please let me find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.