21 George Carlin Quotes on Religion

George Carlin quotes on religion

3. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

4. Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

15. Some of you might be familiar with some of my more famous tips from the past. How to get rid of counterfeit money? Put it in the collection plate at church!

17. Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

18. Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to the god question. Do you believe in God? No. Boom! Dead. Do you believe in God? Yes. Do you believe in my God? No. Boom! Dead. My god has a bigger dick than your god!

26. What is all this shit about angels? Have you heard this? Three out of four people now, believe in angels. What're you, fucking stupid? Has everybody lost their fucking minds in this country? Angels, shit. You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive collective psychotic chemical flashback of all the drugs - all the drugs - smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990. Thirty years of adulterated street drugs'll get you some fucking angels, my friend.

27. Angels, shit. What about goblins? What about goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in goblins? You never hear about them except on Halloween, and it's always negative shit too, you know. And zombies. Where the fuck are all the zombies? That's the trouble with zombies, they're unreliable. I say if you're gonna buy the angel shit, you might go with the zombie package as well.

30. Religion has actually convinced people : that there's an invisible man : living in the sky : who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, 'til the end of time! : But he loves you! : He loves you. He loves you and he needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, all-wise, but somehow - just can't handle money!

44. Thou shalt not kill. Murder. The fifth commandment. But if you think about it : if you think about it, religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. No, more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do : all you have to do is look at slavery, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously the religious folks take 'Thou Shalt Not Kill'. The more devout they are : the more devout they are, the more they see murder as negotiable : it's negotiable. It depends, you know? It depends, it depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed.

45. [After providing reasons for cutting down the Ten Commandments] So, with all this in mind, I leave you with my revised list of the Two Commandments: 'Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nooky', and 'Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to'. Two is all you need, Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fucking pocket, and if they had a list like that, I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall, as long as they included one additional Commandment: 'Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself'!

79. What year did Jesus think it was?

92. Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

93. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

94. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

95. I've found him, I have Jesus in the trunk.

96. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

97. 'When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?' This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

98. The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: you cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal', 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

99. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

102. Religion is like a lift in your shoe. If it helps you stand up straighter and walk a little better, good for you! But don't you go and try to put your lifts in my shoes, and for crying out loud, let's stop sending missionaries to Africa to nail the lifts to the natives' bare feet!

103. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.