George Carlin Quotes on Irony
-
I know what you're thinking. You're all thinking, 'Jesus, he's not going to attack children, is he?' Yes, he is! He's going to attack children! And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking. I know what I'm talking about.
-
The last thing they need is for you to stop and get out of your car and go over to the fire, because by now it is a fire, and start bothering them with a lot of stupid questions. 'Are you hurt?' Of course they're hurt; look at all the blood! You just ran over them with a ton and a half of steel!
-
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is 'a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result.' For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic.
-
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
-
Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
-
Don't you find it funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?
-
Honk if your horn is broken.
-
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
-
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau, but no one was there.
-
The radio ad 'Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!
-
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.