17 George Carlin Quotes on Society

George Carlin quotes on society

1. The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone : Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.

14. A lot of people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie; tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people [clicks his tongue] just like that!

22. 'Happens to be.' 'He happens to be black.' Like it's a fucking accident, you know. He happens to be black? Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He had two black parents? Oh, yes, that's right, two black parents. And they fucked? Oh, indeed they did. So where does the surprise part come in? I would think it would be more unusual if he just 'happened' to be Scandinavian!

45. [After providing reasons for cutting down the Ten Commandments] So, with all this in mind, I leave you with my revised list of the Two Commandments: 'Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nooky', and 'Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to'. Two is all you need, Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fucking pocket, and if they had a list like that, I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall, as long as they included one additional Commandment: 'Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself'!

59. 'Every child is special.' Boy, they said it over and over, as if to convince themselves, 'every child is special', and I kept saying, 'fuuuck you!' Every child is clearly not special.

61. It's all bullshit, folks, and it's bad for ya.

69. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

109. Boxing is not a sport. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. But beating the shit out of somebody isn't a sport, in spite of what the police think. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can become a sport.

121. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

137. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

143. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

148. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

151. The status quo always sucks.

165. I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

180. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

187. I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

     Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

191. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.