69 George Carlin Quotes on Humor

George Carlin quotes on humor

1. The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone : Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.

2. Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.

7. And, of course, the funniest food: 'kumquats'. I don't even bring them home. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

10. I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.

13. People I can do without. This is my list: guys in their fifties named 'Skip'. Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says 'Hope to see you folks again real soon!' Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to 'The Star-Spangled Banner'. Any lawyer who refers to the police as the 'Federales'. A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! A brain surgeon with 'Born to Lose' tattooed on his hands. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. All right, that's enough of that.

14. A lot of people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie; tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people [clicks his tongue] just like that!

15. Some of you might be familiar with some of my more famous tips from the past. How to get rid of counterfeit money? Put it in the collection plate at church!

16. Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people.

19. I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

20. I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

24. We were tempered in raw shit!

32. I know what you're thinking. You're all thinking, 'Jesus, he's not going to attack children, is he?' Yes, he is! He's going to attack children! And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking. I know what I'm talking about.

33. There's a lot of things you could use to kill a guy with. You could probably beat a guy to death with the Sunday New York Times!

34. So why is it they allow a guy with big, powerful hands to get on board an airplane? I'll tell you why: they know he's not a security risk, because he's already answered the three big questions. Question number one: 'Did you pack your bags yourself?' No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely Lobster Newberg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way Around-The-World, and then they packed my bags. Next question. 'Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?' No. Usually the night before I travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there, unattended, for several hours. Just for good luck. Next question. 'Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?' Hmm : well, what exactly is an 'unknown person'? Surely everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Yusef Ali Ben Gabba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest.

35. Do you know why it is, when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.

37. Here would be a good name for a gay restaurant: The Mouthful. Oh come on, that's clever shit! That's a double pun, God damn it; you didn't think of it! Besides, you don't have to eat there if you don't want to. No. Just go in, have a cocktail. Or a Highball.

41. Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: 'We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.'

48. If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. 'Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. That will be all, officer. You can throw him back on the pile.'

49. Here's something you never hear a man say: 'Stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police!'

50. You know something people don't talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts.

51. Now apparently, some people don't know what a pussy-fart is. Because I got some inquiries. Here's the deal: a pussy fart is like when you're making love to a woman who's got a little extra air in her vagina. So every time you thrust forward, it's kind of a : [makes various farting noises] And each of you is lying in bed, wondering if the other one farted. And the man is usually thinking, 'Maybe she farts when she cums. Maybe she took a shit. Man, I've got to stay out of that fucking bar.'

52. Cannibalism. Imagine that: chowing down on another human being. You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man. You gotta be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn't it? Still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness run out of pop tarts, gotta eat something. Might as well be Steve. And by the way, how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he's skinny and he can't fight back, or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder because he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him?

55. Another word you don't hear too often is dingleberries. You know, you never hear it on Meet the Press. I think it's because dingleberries is one of those words you don't say too much past your tenth birthday. It's not a grown-up's word; it's a kid's word. Dingleberries! It always sounded kind of Christmas-y to me. Don't you think it has a holiday ring to it? Dingleberries. John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door. Then when Marianne comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries! 'It is to be devoutly wished : that she would kiss me : under the dingleberries.'

60. Raising a child is not difficult, you just have to follow the steps. Step one: you take the kid, and you put him on the street corner, and you leave him there. Come back a week later, if the kid's still there [clicks tongue], you got yourself a stupid fucking kid. And then you proceed from that point.

62. I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally.

63. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr.

67. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

75. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

76. George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

77. If Frank Sinatra owed you a favor, you should ask him to have one of his buddies kill Andy Williams.

78. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

91. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

92. Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

95. I've found him, I have Jesus in the trunk.

97. 'When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?' This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

103. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

108. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

120. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

123. I committed suicide and all I got was this stupid fucking T-shirt!

129. Honk if your horn is broken.

134. I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

136. Saliva is known to cause cancer. But only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

138. I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

141. Rarely does a loose woman have a tight pussy.

144. Imagine how thick Japanese people's photo albums must be.

147. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

149. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

150. Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

162. I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.

164. I went to the Missing Persons Bureau, but no one was there.

168. If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?

170. 'Meow' means 'woof' in cat.

175. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?' Didn't really give me a choice, did you there, buddy?

177. The best thing about living at the water's edge: you only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way, you can hear them splash.

185. Tonight's Forecast: dark, it will be mostly dark tonight, followed by widely scattered light in the morning.

189. When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.

190. Why do people say 'I'm going to take a shit'? : They don't take a shit, they leave one.

191. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

192. If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. (Napalm and Silly Putty)

193. If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

194. 69 : 71, which is 69 with two fingers up your ass : 68, which is 'You do me an' I'll owe you one.' Women hear that one all the time!

195. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

196. Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat! 69 assholes tied in a knot! Hooray! Lizard shit! Fuck!

197. You can prick your finger, just don't finger your prick.

198. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

199. Reminds me of something my third grade teacher said to us. She said, 'You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cock-sucker from Guatemala.'

202. Two heart attacks has changed my diet, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

204. No one should ever have any object placed inside their asshole that is larger than a fist and less loving than a dildo.

205. Prayer: please let me find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.