400 Irony Quotes

Some men are born husbands; they have a passion for domesticity, for a fireside, for a home. Yet, curiously, these men very rarely stay at home. Apparently what they want is to have a place to get away from.

I was told that The Chinese said they would bury me by the Western Lake and build a shrine to my memory. I have some slight regret that this did not happen, as I might have become a god, which would have been very chic for an atheist.

Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it's because I'm not a bitch. Maybe that's why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.

A sign in the yard of a church next door said CHRIST IS THE ANSWER. (The question, of course, is: What do you say when you strike your thumb with a hammer?)

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.

Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

I eventually became the king ruler of the pear-packing plant.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Those who are offended by something are most often those who deserve to be offended by it.

Did you ever notice that when a politician does get an idea he usually gets it all wrong.

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

The booby father craves a booby son, And by Heaven's blessing thinks himself undone.

Failure in the management of practical affairs seems to be a qualification for success in the management of public affairs.

I haven't been to sleep for over a year. That's why I go to bed early. One needs more rest if one doesn't sleep.

The farmers may be the backbone of the country, but who wants to be a backbone?

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

What is virtue but the Trade Unionism of the married?

The whole strength of England lies in the fact that the enormous majority of the English people are snobs.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Fate seemed to be playing a series of extraordinarily unamusing jokes.

Once upon a time my political opponents honored me as possessing the fabulous intellectual and economic power by which I created a worldwide depression all by myself.

Are there no Moravians in the Moon, that not a missionary has yet visited this poor pagan planet of ours, to civilise civilisation and christianise Christendom?

Deadly nightshade is the only plant I have ever been able to get to grow for me.

A marciful Providunce fashioned us holler O' purpose thet we might our principles swaller.

Puritanism, believing itself quick with the seed of religious liberty, laid, without knowing it, the egg of democracy.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

Being a writer in a library is rather like being a eunuch in a harem.

The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.

Any time something is written against me, I not only share the sentiment but feel I could do the job far better myself. Perhaps I should advise would-be enemies to send me their grievances beforehand, with full assurance that they will receive my every aid and support. I have even secretly longed to write, under a pen name, a merciless tirade against myself.

Sentimental irony is a dog that bays at the moon while pissing on graves.

The sharp employ the sharp; verily, a man may be known by his attorney.

'Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I'm trying to be a myth; give us cash!' 'No, I'm not gonna give you cash.' 'Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?' 'No, I'm: comfortable.' 'That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?'

That eagle's fate and mine are one, Which on the shaft that made him die Espied a feather of his own, Wherewith he wont to soar so high.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

One day I had an asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics jumped me. I know, it's my fault... I should have heard them hiding.

Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race or nationality or creed... when there're so many real reasons to hate others?

Irony is the first hint that consciousness became conscious.

'In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.'

I had very good dentures once. Some magnificent gold work. It's the only form of jewelry a man can wear that women fully appreciate.

I sent the club a wire stating, 'PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER'.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

An apprentice mortician? What, do you only bury live people?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

My mother loved children, she would have given anything if I had been one.

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

They are the affectation of affectation.

The same animal which hath the honour to have some part of his flesh eaten at the table of a duke, may perhaps be degraded in another part,and some of his limbs gibbeted, as it were, in the vilest stall in town.

Mothers of large families (who claim common sense) will find a Tiger well repay the trouble and expense.

Oh, Diamond! Diamond! thou little knowest what mischief thou hast done!

'Modesty is my best quality'

Thug: Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'

Rochester: Well, you said you wanted something to make you look nice and tanned.

Bob: This is rather strange for me, I'm on the major network. [mouths ABC]

All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first.

Let the meek inherit the earth - they have it coming to them.

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?

Originality consists in trying to be like everybody else - and failing.

Vous etes empereur, Seigneur, et vous pleurez!

I hate music, especially when it's played.

Whilst my physicians by their love are grown Cosmographers, and their map, who lie Flat on this bed.

I observe the physician with the same diligence as he the disease.

Marston is a writer of great merit, who rose to tragedy from the ground of comedy, and whose forte was not sympathy, either with the stronger or softer emotions, but an impatient scorn and bitter indignation against the vices and follies of men, which vented itself either in comic irony or in lofty invective. He was properly a satirist.

The term 'serious actor' is kind of an oxymoron, isn't it? [Like] 'Republican Party' or 'airplane food.'

It's incredibly flattering, and really ironic. I grew up quoting Fletch and Raising Arizona, and now people quote the flicks I've done back to me. Weird, but nice.

Jestem za, a nawet przeciw.

People say that knowledge is power. The more knowledge, the more power. Which makes you just about the most powerful person on earth. When it comes to killing people. And then getting away with it.

Now we are in a fix. Peace has been declared.

The authorities liked to say that we received a balanced diet; it was indeed balanced - between the unpalatable and the inedible.

Bubbles! Oh come on Sharon! I'm fucking Ozzy Osbourne, I'm the Prince of fucking Darkness. Evil! Evil! What's fucking evil about a shitload of bubbles!?

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

A certain critic-for such men, I regret to say, do exist-made the nasty remark about my last novel that it contained 'all the old Wodehouse characters under different names'. He has probably now been eaten by bears, like the children who made mock of the prophet Elisha: but if he still survives he will not be able to make a similar charge against Summer Lightning. With my superior intelligence, I have outgeneralled this man by putting in all the old Wodehouse characters under the same names. Pretty silly it will make him feel, I rather fancy. (From preface)

As he reached the end of the carpet and was about to turn and pace back again, he stopped abruptly with one foot in the air, looking so like The Soul's Awakening that a seasoned art critic would have been deceived.

Early rising may not be a vice : but it is certainly no virtue. The old saw about the early bird just goes to show that the worm should have stayed in bed.

Do you know what the Governor of South Carolina said to the Governor of North Carolina? It's a long time between drinks, observed that powerful thinker.

What is moral about demanding even more needless sacrifice of American lives merely to save face with the mistake of invading and occupying Iraq? Doesn't it seem awfully strange that the Iraqi government we support is an ally of the Iranians who are our declared enemies? Are we not now supporting the Iranians by propping up their allies in Iraq? If Maliki is our ally, and he has diplomatic relations with Ahmadinejad, why can't we? ... Why should we not expect many of the 80,000 Sunnis we have recently armed to someday turn their weapons against us, since they, as well as the Mahdi Army, detest any and all foreign occupation? ... Since no one can define winning the war, just who do we expect to surrender?

If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.

He had a massive stroke. He died with his tie on. Do you think that could be our generation's equivalent of that old saying about dying with your boots on?

'Most people made the wrong impression about the World Wrestling Federation. We're a non-violent form of entertainment.' (Before he hits someone with a chair) (During the WWF 1999 commercial)

In the early days of his government, Tony Blair liked to paraphrase the famous joke from Monty Python's Life of Brian ('All right, but apart from sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?') in order ironically to disarm his critics: 'They betrayed socialism. True, they brought more social security, they did a lot for healthcare and education, and so on, but, in spite of all that, they betrayed socialism.' As it is clear today, it is, rather, the reverse which applies: 'We remain socialists. True, we practice Thatcherism in economics, we attack asylum-seekers, beggars and single mothers, we made a deal with Murdoch, and so on, but, none the less, we're still socialists.'

With kikes like you on the loose, who needs Hitler?

How odd Of God To choose The Jews

I have somehow something like 'influence' ... In the Anti-Semitic Correspondence ... my name is mentioned in almost every issue. Zarathustra ... has charmed the anti-Semites; there is a special anti-Semitic interpretation of it that made me laugh very much.

I fought against the bottle but I had to do it drunk

'Well, what happened is there was the 80's steroids boom, and, uh... so, now, 'mysteriously,' wrestlers are dying in their sleep in hotel rooms... of heart failure... I don't think it's connected.'

Faultless to a fault.