Selected irony quotes

1. Let's stop somebody from doing something! Everybody does too much.

2. Some men are born husbands; they have a passion for domesticity, for a fireside, for a home. Yet, curiously, these men very rarely stay at home. Apparently what they want is to have a place to get away from.

3. Virgin territory for whorehouses.

4. Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

5. Vampires pretending to be humans pretending to be vampires ... How avant-garde!

6. In order to keep an open mind, I am trying to avoid learning anything.

7. Aren't I lucky, to have survived so much bad luck.

8. Thanks to my computer, I have now achieved a much higher state of disorganization.

9. The funniest thing about some people is that they have no sense of humor.

10. I was told that The Chinese said they would bury me by the Western Lake and build a shrine to my memory. I have some slight regret that this did not happen, as I might have become a god, which would have been very chic for an atheist.

11. Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it's because I'm not a bitch. Maybe that's why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.

12. A sign in the yard of a church next door said CHRIST IS THE ANSWER. (The question, of course, is: What do you say when you strike your thumb with a hammer?)

13. As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

14. If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.

15. Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!

16. I eventually became the king ruler of the pear-packing plant.

17. President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

18. Those who are offended by something are most often those who deserve to be offended by it.

19. Did you ever notice that when a politician does get an idea he usually gets it all wrong.

20. Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

21. The booby father craves a booby son, And by Heaven's blessing thinks himself undone.

22. Failure in the management of practical affairs seems to be a qualification for success in the management of public affairs.

23. I haven't been to sleep for over a year. That's why I go to bed early. One needs more rest if one doesn't sleep.

24. The farmers may be the backbone of the country, but who wants to be a backbone?

25. California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

26. What is virtue but the Trade Unionism of the married?

27. The whole strength of England lies in the fact that the enormous majority of the English people are snobs.

28. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

29. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

30. Fate seemed to be playing a series of extraordinarily unamusing jokes.

31. Once upon a time my political opponents honored me as possessing the fabulous intellectual and economic power by which I created a worldwide depression all by myself.

32. Are there no Moravians in the Moon, that not a missionary has yet visited this poor pagan planet of ours, to civilise civilisation and christianise Christendom?

33. Deadly nightshade is the only plant I have ever been able to get to grow for me.

34. A marciful Providunce fashioned us holler O' purpose thet we might our principles swaller.

35. Puritanism, believing itself quick with the seed of religious liberty, laid, without knowing it, the egg of democracy.

36. I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

37. Being a writer in a library is rather like being a eunuch in a harem.

38. The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.

39. Any time something is written against me, I not only share the sentiment but feel I could do the job far better myself. Perhaps I should advise would-be enemies to send me their grievances beforehand, with full assurance that they will receive my every aid and support. I have even secretly longed to write, under a pen name, a merciless tirade against myself.

40. Sentimental irony is a dog that bays at the moon while pissing on graves.

41. Heil Hitler! (when asked to state his name) You know my name well. Julius Streicher! The Bolsheviks will hang you one day! (to the hangman) Purim festival, 1946! I am now by God my father! Adele, my dear wife.

42. You should be glad that the government has provided for chain and bangles at their own expense, why are you feeling so bad about it?

43. I think you're all completely mad! -and thank you very much.

44. I got high on psychedelics before I was ever drunk. I never smoked. Then LSD came by. And to me it was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened... And, of course, the best drugs ever were manufactured by the government.

45. Don't lecture me on race relations. I don't have a molecule of prejudice. I've been in battle with every kind of man there is. I've been in bed with every kind of woman there is - from a Laplander to a Tierra del Fuegian. If I'd ever been to the South Pole, there'd be a hell of a lot of penguins who looked like me.

46. Fate's fickle finger was feeling for my fundament.

47. Proof of Trotsky's farsightedness is that none of his predictions has yet come true.

48. 'Other maps are such shapes, with their islands and capes! But we've got our brave captain to thank' (So the crew would protest) 'that he's bought us the best - A perfect and absolute blank!'

49. But the principal failing occurred in the sailing, And the Bellman, perplexed and distressed, Said he had hoped, at least, when the wind blew due East That the ship would not travel due West!

50. How may I, in all humble servitude, be of assistance?

51. I'd like to say that I knew this would happen, that it's all part of the plan for world domination.

52. Let he who is without sin cast the first lure.

53. Nequiquam, quoniam medio de fonte leporum surgit amari aliquit quod in ipsis floribus angat.

54. To create man was a fine and original idea; but to add the sheep was a tautology.

55. In a successful attempt to thwart a seduction I had ended up with two whores and a whore house. And I was just eighteen.

56. So I light the fire with the lighter and then I'm like, 'Now, how am I going to light the candles?' And I'm racing through the house, tearing open drawers and throwing things out of closets, looking for matches ... and I had just lit the fire with the thing!!! And then I was like, 'How did I light the fire?' So then l took the thing and lit the candles.

57. Robin Hood: Watch my back! Achoo: Yo' back just got punched twice.

58. Max Bialystock (Zero Mostel): 'How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?'

59. Ah, that must be George Best's cremation.

60. Isn't it ironic Vince, that 7 months ago I was in this ring kissing your ass. Now, 7 months later you're in the same very ring kissing mine.

61. I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]

62. This shirt is 'dry-clean only'...which means it's dirty.

63. ' I wonder how it will read five hundred years from now? -To make a man confess a loving God you burn him!'

64. He had a sense of irony that ruled his life, made it impossible for him to use his considerable brains in any kind of serious job. Kind of like me.

65. Said a man ingenuously to one of his friends: 'This morning we condemned three men to death. Two of them definitely deserved it.'

66. After the invasion, there was sophisticated massive looting of the installations that were constructed in the 1980s - that includes high-precision equipment capable of making parts for nuclear and chemical weapons and missiles, and also toxins for biological weapons. Prior to the US-British invasion, these sites had been monitored by UN inspectors, but they were quickly kicked out of the country and have not been back since, while the occupation forces left the sites unguarded, and very sophisticated looting operations took place. Where this huge massive equipment has gone no one knows, and it's uncomfortable to guess. The ironies are almost inexpressible. The US and Britain invaded to prevent the use of WMDs that did not exist, and they succeeded in providing the terrorists that they had mobilized with the means to develop WMDs that the US and Britain had provided to Saddam Hussein.

67. If you treat me this way, then I will treat you like a great lord, and if you do not detect the irony in my actions, then who of the two of us is the fool?

68. He laughs, you cry... What strange animals we are.

69. Right, of course, you're the only person in history who is completely immune to her religious upbringing.

70. [He] did not understand it, and I did not tell him then, but you know, don't you? She began to love him then. And part of why she loved him was because he looked like you. Does it make you laugh?

71. She had that irony in her eyes. Knowledge without wisdom. Power without purpose. Like me.

72. You and I, we're two of a kind, I hate to say it but you'll never relate, what makes you tick? It makes me smile. ~ 'Just Another'

73. My biggest regret in life is saving David Frost from drowning.

74. 'God,' the saying might also read, 'must hate the common people because he made them so common.'

75. Irony: Do not let yourself be governed by it, especially not in unproductive moments. In productive ones try to make use of it as one more means of seizing life.

76. 'Cause they've got 'The Chamber', 'The Chair', 'Fear Factor', and people in Texas are saying, 'We got those shows. We just don't film 'em!'

77. irony [is] a fashionable response to the experience of being had.

78. 'It is a great tragedy that Rufus Wainwright is gay.' (responding to screaming female fan)

79. A glittering jewel of colossal ignorance.

80. I have Bright's disease and he has mine.

81. From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

82. As far as Saddam Hussein being a great military strategist, he is neither a strategist, nor is he schooled in the operational arts, nor is he a tactician, nor is he a general, nor is he a soldier. Other than that, he's a great military man.

83. 'Ha! ha!' quoth he, 'full plain I see, The Devil knows how to row.'

84. Stacey puts a little love in each pasta shell. But it's self-love, so it won't help you that much.

85. 'Love music. Love racism.'

86. World peace could be a possibility...if it weren't for all those damned foreigners!

87. After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

88. My uncle was a clown for Ringling Bros. Circus, and when he died, all his friends came in one car.

89. The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.

90. Sally plays strip-poker. Every time she loses she has to put on a piece of clothing.

91. Shakespeare probably wrote a poem on that light bill, Mrs. Wingfield.

92. I have seldom known a man cunning with his brush who was not simple with his tongue; or, indeed, any skill in particular that was not allied to general stupidity.

93. 'My good and kind agent for the propagation of the Gospel; i.e. the Devil's gospel'.

94. God... God doesn't hate, man. It's a great fuckin' title!

95. Bennett seems to be showing alarming signs of irony. I have always found that irony among the lower orders is the first sign of an awakening social consciousness. It remains to be seen whether it will grow into an armed seizure of the means of production, distribution and exchange, or spend itself in liberal journalism.

96. Miss Frobisher smiles, with little cause that I know of. If Jesus of Nazareth had had before him the example of Miss Frobisher getting through the Latin degree papers of the London University Examinations Board he wouldn't have had to fall back on camels and the eyes of needles, and Miss Frobisher's name would be a delightful surprise to encounter in Matthew, Chapter 19; as would, even more surprisingly, the London University Examinations Board. Your name is not Miss Frobisher? What is your name? Miss Burton. I'm very sorry. I stand corrected. If Jesus of Nazareth had had before him the example of Miss Burton getting through the... Oh, dear, I hope it is not I who have made you cry.

97. To make matters worse, they have elected a foetus as the party leader. I bet a lot of them wish they had not voted against abortion now!

98. Gentlemen, even if one allows that he is an important writer, are we next to invite an elephant to be Professor of Zoology?

99. Si Dieu nous a fait a son image, nous le lui avons bien rendu.

100. Ce corps qui s'appelait et qui s'appelle encore le saint empire romain n'etait en aucune maniere ni saint, ni romain, ni empire.