Steven Wright Quotes on Irony
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'So, do you live around here often?'
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'
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After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I invented the cordless extension cord.
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'
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I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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My uncle was a clown for Ringling Bros. Circus, and when he died, all his friends came in one car.
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Next week I'm going to have an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia.
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The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.
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If you're going to shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
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Sally plays strip-poker. Every time she loses she has to put on a piece of clothing.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.