8 Steven Wright Quotes on Confusion

Steven Wright quotes on confusion

20. I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

29. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a right.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a left. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

61. I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went 'Aaaaahhhh...'

62. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

84. I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded.'

92. I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage?' 'It's not for sale.'

133. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

139. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my apartment door with my car keys. So the building started up... So, I drove it around for a while. I guess I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked me where I lived. I said, 'right here, officer.' Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, 'Get out of my driveway!'