I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room…

Well, I was missing my earplugs. And the way that I found out why they're missing is because the little Elmo -- his five pounds -- came in to the bedroom and d…

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

I am not a dog lover. A dog lover to me means a dog that is in love with another dog.