For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna s…

Do you think they could make a drug to give you mental clarity into your golden years? No! But they have a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra.

(from the CD of the tour) Because your appliances are now talking to each other...about you. You don't wanna be three o'clock in the morning going, 'Yes, refri…

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'