Steven Wright Quotes on Technology

14 quotes

  1. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.

  2. I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- 'Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday.'

  3. I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, 'Hello, Information.' I said, 'I can't find my socks.' She said, 'They're behind the couch.' And they were!

  4. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'

  5. I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.

  6. I invented the cordless extension cord.

  7. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'

  8. I recently got a new camera. It's so advanced, you don't even need it.

  9. I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told him I can't call everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He asked me how long I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because my calendar has no sevens on it.

  10. I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, 'Hey, these records are all blank.'

  11. I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

  12. In my new house there's a switch on the wall that doesn't do anything, so for fun I'd just flick it up and down, over and over. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, 'Cut it out.'

  13. One day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

  14. I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes.

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