Quote #44

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'

More from Steven Wright

  1. I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
  2. I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
  3. I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.
  4. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwel…
  5. I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
  6. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
  7. I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
  8. I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

All Steven Wright quotes