Steven Wright Quotes on Humor

113 quotes

1. 'Did you sleep good?' 'No, I made a couple of mistakes.'

2. 'So, do you live around here often?'

3. A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.'

6. A while ago, I left my apartment building and walked my dog... on the ledge. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

7. About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.

9. All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'

10. All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

12. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

13. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

15. Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he just pulled out a quarter?

16. Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it...it feels real.'

18. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.

20. I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.

21. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.

23. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

26. I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

27. I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

28. I can levitate birds. No one cares.

31. I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

33. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

35. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

36. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, 'Here, you can go.'

37. I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, 'Hello, Information.' I said, 'I can't find my socks.' She said, 'They're behind the couch.' And they were!

38. I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

39. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

40. I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.

42. I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.

43. I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.

44. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.'

46. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

47. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

48. I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

51. I know a man who is a midget dwarf, he's this tall. [holding his thumb and forefinger three inches apart] He poses for trophies.

52. I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.

53. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

54. I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

56. I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright; I was still inside.

57. I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

59. I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

60. I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

63. I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

67. I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

68. I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told him I can't call everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He asked me how long I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because my calendar has no sevens on it.

69. I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

71. I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, 'It's free with purchase.' I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

72. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

73. I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and seven people died.

74. I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

75. I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

77. I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

78. I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

79. I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

80. I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old bathing suit I'd made out of sponges. I remember when I wore it to the pool. Then I left, and no one could go swimming until I came back.

81. I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?' 'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...'

83. I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a car that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said, 'I don't think I want to work for you.'

84. I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded.'

85. I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

87. I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'

88. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

91. I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, 'Hey, you have two different colored socks on.' I said, 'Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.'

92. I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage?' 'It's not for sale.'

93. I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

95. I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, 'Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?'

101. I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'

102. I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

105. I'm going to court next week. I've been selected for jury duty. It's kind of an insane case -- 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it.

106. I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

107. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

111. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.

112. I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people that live above me are furious.

113. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

114. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

116. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

118. I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments.

119. My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, 'How old are you?' I said, 'I'm five.' He said, 'When I was your age, I was six.'

121. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

123. My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

125. My uncle was a clown for Ringling Bros. Circus, and when he died, all his friends came in one car.

127. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

128. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

129. One day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

130. One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, 'Didn't you see the stop sign?' I said, 'Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.'

131. One time I woke up in the middle of the night and I was hungry. I went to the convenience store and noticed it was closed. The sign said 'Open 24 hours' and there was a guy locking the door. I said 'Hey, your sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Not in a row!'

132. One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. My neighbors called the police. They thought there was lightning in my house.

135. The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.

136. The other day I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

138. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.

139. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my apartment door with my car keys. So the building started up... So, I drove it around for a while. I guess I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked me where I lived. I said, 'right here, officer.' Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, 'Get out of my driveway!'

142. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

143. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

144. They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...

147. Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, 'Hello?' and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'... They said, 'Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old.' I said, 'I'll wait.'

148. Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

152. When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

154. When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

156. Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

159. You know that feeling when you're leaning back in a chair, and then you lean back too far and start to fall and just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

161. (In his usual dry, monotone voice) 'Thanks.'

162. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

164. My friend Sally is a nudist. I went over to her house. There were no doors on the closets. The walls were covered with see-through wallpaper.

171. If sometimes you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

175. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

177. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

178. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

180. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

186. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

187. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

188. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

189. I'm totally insane. I'm so wired. I'm sweating internally.

190. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

195. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

200. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

202. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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