My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, 'How old are you?' I said, 'I'm five.' He said, 'When I was your age, I was six.'

I told my doctor I wanted a vasectomy. He said, with a face like mine, I don't need one.

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay!

I haven't had that many women- only as many as I could lay my hands on.