My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to s…

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

'Mr. Richardson's endorsement came right around the anniversary of the day when Judas sold out for 30 pieces of silver, so I think the timing is appropriate, i…

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Now, Stuart, as you will discover if you have not done so already, believes that the principal raison d'etre of food is to conceal from public view the hideous…