13 Steven Wright Quotes on Time

Steven Wright quotes on time

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

67. I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

89. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

94. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

122. My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

129. One day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

131. One time I woke up in the middle of the night and I was hungry. I went to the convenience store and noticed it was closed. The sign said 'Open 24 hours' and there was a guy locking the door. I said 'Hey, your sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Not in a row!'

133. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

149. Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So. What did you think?'

150. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

168. I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes.

188. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

195. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.