Steven Wright Quotes on Logic
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
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I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?' 'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...'
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I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a car that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said, 'I don't think I want to work for you.'
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, 'Hey, you have two different colored socks on.' I said, 'Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.'
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I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger.
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My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, 'How old are you?' I said, 'I'm five.' He said, 'When I was your age, I was six.'
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My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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If you're going to shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?