17 Steven Wright Quotes on Logic

Steven Wright quotes on logic

13. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

63. I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

81. I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?' 'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...'

83. I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a car that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said, 'I don't think I want to work for you.'

89. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

91. I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, 'Hey, you have two different colored socks on.' I said, 'Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.'

100. I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger.

119. My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, 'How old are you?' I said, 'I'm five.' He said, 'When I was your age, I was six.'

     Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

120. My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

157. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

163. If you're going to shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?

184. Half the people you know are below average.

186. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

191. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

196. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

202. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

203. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?