Steven Wright Quotes on Absurdity

35 quotes

  1. About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.

  2. All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

  3. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

  4. For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]

  5. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.

  6. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.

  7. I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- 'Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday.'

  8. I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright; I was still inside.

  9. I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

  10. I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

  11. I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'

  12. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

  13. I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

  14. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

  15. I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, only bigger.

  16. I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

  17. I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

  18. I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old bathing suit I'd made out of sponges. I remember when I wore it to the pool. Then I left, and no one could go swimming until I came back.

  19. I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

  20. I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

  21. I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger.

  22. I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'

  23. I'm going to court next week. I've been selected for jury duty. It's kind of an insane case -- 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it.

  24. In my new house there's a switch on the wall that doesn't do anything, so for fun I'd just flick it up and down, over and over. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, 'Cut it out.'

  25. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

  26. My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

  27. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

  28. The other day I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.

  29. The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my apartment door with my car keys. So the building started up... So, I drove it around for a while. I guess I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked me where I lived. I said, 'right here, officer.' Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, 'Get out of my driveway!'

  30. When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

  31. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

  32. I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

  33. I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in 8 minutes.

  34. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

  35. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

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