12 Steven Wright Quotes on Language

Steven Wright quotes on language

6. A while ago, I left my apartment building and walked my dog... on the ledge. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

14. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

22. I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

29. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a right.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a left. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

43. I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.

53. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

86. I was reading the dictionary; I thought it was a poem about everything.

92. I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage?' 'It's not for sale.'

98. I wish, when I was born, the first thing I said was 'Quote' so the last thing I said before I died would be 'Unquote.'

128. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

135. The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.

160. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.