Steven Wright Quotes on Safety
-
About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.
-
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
-
I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
-
I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
-
I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger.
-
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.
-
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
-
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-
My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'