Steven Wright Quotes on Home
-
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it...it feels real.'
-
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.
-
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.
-
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'
-
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
-
I woke up one day and everything in the apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I said to my roommate 'Can you believe this? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.' He said, 'Do I know you?'
-
I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people that live above me are furious.
-
Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.