Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I'm so goddamn horny, the crack of dawn better be careful around me!

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, …

If the moon were made of barbeque spare ribs, would you eat it? ...I know I would. Heck, I'd have seconds. And then polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser.