I woke up one day and everything in the apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I said to my roommate 'Can you believe this? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.' He said, 'Do I know you?'

I wish, when I was born, the first thing I said was 'Quote' so the last thing I said before I died would be 'Unquote.'

I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 f…

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the ta…

Detroit turned out to be heaven, but it also turned out to be hell.

My home is not a place, it is people.

'Jim,' she said earnestly, 'if I was put down there in the middle of the night, I could find my way all over that little town; and along the river to the next …