Quote #139

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my apartment door with my car keys. So the building started up... So, I drove it around for a while. I guess I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked me where I lived. I said, 'right here, officer.' Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, 'Get out of my driveway!'

More from Steven Wright

  1. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.
  2. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  3. The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
  4. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
  5. The other day I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.
  6. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
  7. The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.
  8. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

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