I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, 'Hey, you have two different colored socks on.' I said, 'Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.'

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage?' 'It's not for sale.'

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.[4]

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay!