I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told him I can't call everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He asked me how long I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because my calendar has no sevens on it.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

If a dog starts biting you, you can't kick it up the throat like it deserves. People always say 'Oh dear, poor little dog, he was only trying to be friendly. T…

He had the kind of handshake that ought never to be used except as a tourniquet.

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using…