I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go b…

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>…

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go…

You don't need to hire a dog therapist, you just need to wake up at 7 am and open the fucking door!

We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and: get more feet.

When you come from Des Moines you either accept the fact without question and settle down with a girl called Bobbie and get a job in the Firestone factory and …