I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went 'Aaaaahhhh...'

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to ta…

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I'm just an old slag who gets up every morning, scratches his head and wonders what he wants to fuck.

Well, I was missing my earplugs. And the way that I found out why they're missing is because the little Elmo -- his five pounds -- came in to the bedroom and d…

What the hell kind of bed you giving us, anyways. We don't want no pants rabbits. Ch. 2, p.20