Eddie Izzard Quotes on Satire
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Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey. No one talks on a cable car, they just hang and stare : And the guy in the front, with no steering wheel, going, 'What the fuck. What the fuck's this one do?' [miming pulling levers] Pulling levers, levers : Is it four levers that just do fuck all? That it? He's always ringing that bell, going, 'Help! Help!' [imitates bell ringing] Endless bell ringing! What is he, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? The bell : him and the guy from the stock market are the same person, I think. At the end of the stock market, they ring a bell. It's the same bell. Oh, yes. [Pause. Mimes writing on palm] 'Never link those two together again.'
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'That's one saved fucking queen! It shouldn't be 'God save the queen,' it should be 'God attack the queen!' 'God attack the queen/Send big dogs after her/That bite her bum. Let them chase after her, And rip her knickers off...''
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So King Henry, who was played by Sean Connery for this picture, said: 'Then I will set up a new religion in this country. I shall set up the... Psychotic Bastard Religion.' And an aide said, 'Why not call it Church of England, sire?' 'Ah, Church of England, that's much better... even though I am Scottish, myself.'
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And we're going 'Oh, Captain Clever! Whoahoho! Rattle it and if it doesn't go off, it can't be a bomb!'
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Yes, and the Crusades were, 'We kill you in the name of Jesus!' 'Wait, we have Jesus too! He's a prophet in our religion! We kill you in the name of Jesus!' 'Do you? Well, we kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford!' 'No, he wasn't! He was from Judea! Dark-skinned man, such as we!' 'Look, it's just we've come all this way. Would you mind awfully if we hacked you to bits? Just for the press back home.'