4 Eddie Izzard Quotes on Pets

Eddie Izzard quotes on pets

81. You stroke a dog, the dog goes, 'oooooooo:' and cats go (purring/drilling sound), because they're drilling, aren't they? That's what they're doing. They're drilling, they drill for gold! They drill for oil, they drill for anything! Just for the love of drilling! When they're behind your sofa, they're just drilling. (mimes drilling) They've got goggles on, it's okay! There's a compressor over there...Your friends come and say, 'I think your cat's drilling behind your sofa!' 'I don't think so, that's purring, that noise, isn't it? Cat, are you drilling?' And the cat hears this, whips off the goggles, (mimes coming from behind the sofa), 'No, no: Drilling? No! No, I'm a cat! How would I know how to drill? That's purring you're thinking of, purring! Oh, yes, purring! Having a good ole purr back here: no drilling. No, no, okay: ' (mimes putting goggles back on and resuming drilling) Sometimes they drill 40, 50 feet, you know, just for the hell of it.

82. Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

83. You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, 'Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!' 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, 'Interesting words: Have you finished?' While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going: (mimes obeying all commands) 'What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!' 'Oh, I'm sorry!'

84. We throw sticks at dogs, that's the level we have dogs at. You'd never dream of throwing one for a cat. We throw sticks for dogs, and dogs go, 'Oh, he's dropped his stick! I better go and get that: (mimes chasing after the stick) Saw you dropped your stick there. Thought I'd bring it back: And you hang on: (mimes giving the stick back and follows it with eyes as it's thrown again) Did you see me just bring that back? And then you...you dropped it again? This is very weird I don't know what's going on here (mimes bringing the stick back again) Now hang on to it this time, I don't want to piss about all the time. You think I enjoy this? There you: Don't fucking throw it!!' That's why the third time, when they come back, they won't give it to you, they go, (through clenched teeth) 'No: I won't let you take it!'