45 Eddie Izzard Quotes on Humor

Eddie Izzard quotes on humor

3. When I was a kid in school, the career advisor came to see us and said, 'Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say?' And he took me aside and he said, 'What d'ya wanna do, kid? What do you wanna do with your life? Tell me your dreams!' So I said, 'I wanna be an astronaut! And go into outer space and discover things that no one's ever discovered before!' He said, 'Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit.' 'All right, then I wanna work in a shoeshop! And discover shoes that no-one's ever discovered! Right at the back of the shop on the left :' He said, 'Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit!' 'All right, then I wanna work in a sewer. And discover sewage that no-one's ever discovered before. I'll pile it on my head, then come to the surface and sell myself to an art gallery.' He said, 'What the fuck have you been smoking, eh? You certainly haven't been smoking in a bar in California!' [to audience] Because you can't! Yes : no smoking in bars, and soon no drinking and no talking!

4. Cable cars are fun. Everyone gets on board and becomes a rhesus monkey. No one talks on a cable car, they just hang and stare : And the guy in the front, with no steering wheel, going, 'What the fuck. What the fuck's this one do?' [miming pulling levers] Pulling levers, levers : Is it four levers that just do fuck all? That it? He's always ringing that bell, going, 'Help! Help!' [imitates bell ringing] Endless bell ringing! What is he, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? The bell : him and the guy from the stock market are the same person, I think. At the end of the stock market, they ring a bell. It's the same bell. Oh, yes. [Pause. Mimes writing on palm] 'Never link those two together again.'

5. Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, 'Raar-ra-ra-yum-yum-yum'. And occasionally they stop and they go [gasps, starts, then pauses and looks around, wide-eyed] As if they're going, 'Did I leave the gas on? [sudden happy realization] No! No, I'm a fucking squirrel!' [munching nuts]

7. I mean, you trust them with your life! They could have their fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they're pushing your spine away with a broom. 'What's this one all about?' 'I have no idea : [slingshot] Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried!'

8. His name changed from Jerry Dorsey to Englbert Humperdink! I mean, I'd just like to be in the room when they were working that one through: 'Zinglebert Bambledack! Yingeebert Dangleban! Zanglebert Dingleback! Winglebert Humptiback! Slut Bunwallah!' 'What?' 'All right, Kringlebert Fishtibuns! Steveibuns Buttrentrunden :' 'No, Jerry Dorsey! I like-' 'No, we can't : let's see, we have Zinglebert Bambledack, Dinglebert Wangledack, Slut Bunwallah, Klingibum Fistlbars, Dinglebert Zambeldack, uh : Jerry Dorsey, Englerbert Humptiback, Zinglebert Bambledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Dinglebert Wingledank :' 'No, no, go back one!'

9. 'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.' 'Say five Hail Mary's and six Hello Dolly's!'

10. 'Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong : Like I like my women: hot and ..strong : with a spoon in them.'

11. 'That's one saved fucking queen! It shouldn't be 'God save the queen,' it should be 'God attack the queen!' 'God attack the queen/Send big dogs after her/That bite her bum. Let them chase after her, And rip her knickers off...''

22. Mais, la souris est en dessous la table, le chat est sur la chaise et le singe est : est : le singe est disparu!

26. 'You killed a hundred thousand people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Lunch, Death, Death, Death, Afternoon Tea, Death, Death, Death, Quick shower:''

31. We had the Druids: long white robes, long white beards. Early transvestites, didn't get their shaving together.

32. 'Cause the Roman Gods up to that point were crap, you know... Jeff, the god of biscuits... and Simon, the god of hair-dos.

33. 'Now I'm going to marry my first wife, then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say, but stick with me, my story gets better! I'm going to marry my second wife, then I'm going to kill her! Cut her head off! Ah, you weren't expecting that, were you? Third wife, going to shoot her! Fourth wife, put her in a bag! Fifth wife, into outer space! Sixth wife on a Rotissomat! Seventh wife will be made out of jam :'

35. 'What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!'

42. I like my coffee hot and strong, like i like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.

43. 'Susan, I saw you in the classroom today, as the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I fancy you!' But no, at 13 you're just going, ''Ello Sue: I've got legs. D'ya like: bread? I've got a French loaf. [mimes smacking someone with the loaf and dashing off] Byeee! [high voice] I love you!'

45. 'Danger' could be my middle name : but it's 'John'.

47. Beekeepers, yes: They've gotta want to be - 'I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don't wanna let them get away; I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom : I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps : and their footsteps were like this: [running wildly from imaginary bees] 'Aaargh! I'm covered in bees! Aah! Covered in bees!'' 'Cause that's your job, isn't it? They must lose it - beekeepers must lose it occasionally. You know, you're there, you've got the netting, you've got 2,000 bees : 'raarzzz-bzzzzz' : and essentially you're trying to steal honey. 'Bzzzzz!' 'Morning! Morning! Morning! Hello, hello! Knock-knock, coming in! Hello! : Look! There's a Ferrari over there - can you see that Ferrari? [stealing the honey] Yes, it's going very fast, isn't it? Well, good morning, thank you!' They must be walking back with all these bees around, and at some point, they must go: 'What the fuck am I doing? I'm covered in bees! Help! I'm covered in bees!' And you don't get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go: 'Hey! Oh, you're new here, aren't you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee - I can get you a coffee : You know, I like my coffee like I like my women - in a plastic cup!' [does double-take] Beekeepers can't do that! 2,000 bees: 'bzzzzz' : 'Hello there, you in the street! You're new, aren't you?' 'Huh?' 'Do you want a cup of coffee? It's no problem!' 'Bzzzzz :' 'No real problem :' 'I don't want a cup of coffee from you! You're covered in bees!' 'I-I like my women like I like my coffee, er, covered in bees! [to the bees] All right, back off, back off! Argh!'

48. [God, who was James Mason, to Noah] 'Noah, stop what you're doing and build me an ark!' [Noah, who was Sean Connery] 'I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.'

49. Prince Phillip, he's a card! Has a habit of saying things like, 'You're all a bunch of fuckers! Oops!'. And he said to students visiting China, 'Don't stay here too long, you'll get all slitty-eyed!', then, 'Was that wrong? Oh, I'm sorry :'

50. 'I'm the Queen, I'll live forever, I'll never die, I'll live to a million!'

51. 'I've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem!'

53. 'It's my duty to go. Little Johnnie, little Susie, I'm off to the war.' 'Don't go, Daddy, don't go.' 'I must go.' 'Bring us back something, Daddy, will you?' 'I'll bring you back a Nazi with real hair.'

54. 'Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I'm trying to be a myth; give us cash!' 'No, I'm not gonna give you cash.' 'Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?' 'No, I'm: comfortable.' 'That's no good, I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That's not gonna swing, is it?'

58. The Queen Mother! Bom-bom-bom I'm the queen...The Queen Mother is amazing! She has artificial hips, she has mechanical arms, she has a bionic eye...she cost six million dollars! [Sings Six Million Dollar Man theme tune whilst miming running very slowly and waving like the Queen Mother] dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit Papparazzi, two thousand yards! Dit-dit-dit-dit-dit [resumes theme tune] Off with the tiara! [Mimes throwing tiara like a discus] Sh-d-d-d-pow!

59. Armageddon is Australian for 'Armageddon outta here!'

60. I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-JOY! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, 'This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got THIS thing!' And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! [mimes doing so] Forget them! Fuck 'em! [mimes turning on a computer] On. [mimes typing] I must know how this works, I've used machines before! [nonsense sound-effect singing] Come on... come on... come on... This bit comes off, I think. [mimes breaking something on the computer] And then you smash it with a hammer! [mimes doing so] I get really fucked off with the machines.

63. Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. 'I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear.' : So you think, 'I'll take them home and they'll ripen up.' But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, 'No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!'

64. 'What? : The Carthaginians are attacking? God, I knew they'd do that. What? : They are attacking over the Alps? Damn, I knew they'd do that. What? : They're coming on Elephants? : Where'd they get the Elephants? There aren't any Elephants in Europe. This I got to see : are you sure? : It's not just a typo mistake? Perhaps the Carthaginians are attacking over the alps and they are in their element? Kind of upbeat, you know. They're coming on fucking elephants, huh.'

65. 'If you've never seen an Elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.'

66. Pavlov's Cats: Day One: Rang bell, cat fucked off. (Oh dear) Day Two: Rang bell, cat went and answered door. Day Three: Rang bell, cat said he had eaten earlier. (cheeky bugger) Day Four: Went to ring bell, but cat had stolen batteries. Final Day, Day Five: Went and rang bell with new batteries, but cat put his paw on bell so it only made a thunk noise. Then cat rang his own bell. I ate food.

70. And we're going 'Oh, Captain Clever! Whoahoho! Rattle it and if it doesn't go off, it can't be a bomb!'

71. But there must've been a Death Star canteen, yeah? There must've been a cafeteria downstairs, in between battles, where Darth Vader could just chill and go down:

74. There's 200,000 gods in Hinduism... and they've got gods like Shiva, the God of Creation and Destruction. Which is a good god to be, 'cause you can go *WHOOM* (creates thing) 'What do you think? Do you like that? You don't like that?' *WHOOM* (destroys thing) If you're just the God of Creation, you're going *WHOOM* 'Do you like that? You don't? All right, I'll put it in the garage... shit, I haven't got a garage! *WHOOM* (creates garage)

76. The major five religions being Christianity, Judaism, Islam, RCA, Sony, Buddhism and Hinduism. Because apart from the two silly ones, they've all got Jesus in them. I'm not telling you about the two silly ones. ('RCA, they're in the Middle East, aren't they?') Cost if you can't work out what they are, you're probably the person in the plane who watches when they do the belt bit.

81. You stroke a dog, the dog goes, 'oooooooo:' and cats go (purring/drilling sound), because they're drilling, aren't they? That's what they're doing. They're drilling, they drill for gold! They drill for oil, they drill for anything! Just for the love of drilling! When they're behind your sofa, they're just drilling. (mimes drilling) They've got goggles on, it's okay! There's a compressor over there...Your friends come and say, 'I think your cat's drilling behind your sofa!' 'I don't think so, that's purring, that noise, isn't it? Cat, are you drilling?' And the cat hears this, whips off the goggles, (mimes coming from behind the sofa), 'No, no: Drilling? No! No, I'm a cat! How would I know how to drill? That's purring you're thinking of, purring! Oh, yes, purring! Having a good ole purr back here: no drilling. No, no, okay: ' (mimes putting goggles back on and resuming drilling) Sometimes they drill 40, 50 feet, you know, just for the hell of it.

82. Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

86. Some people say 'Oh, I wish I was a transvestite!' and I say, 'Well, if you work hard at school, maybe one day, you know: After your exams:'

88. Or if it's Shakespeare in the West End, then it's moody lighting, three old people saying, 'When shall we three meet again? Tuesday? Okay.'

89. So... Uh... I'd better explain the tits. Umm...didn't have those at school. Wanted to, but not in the school curriculum...even though I asked.

90. It didn't seem to work, cause no matter how much make up I wore people just kept saying, 'Yes, Sir!, Would you like tea with that Sir?!' 'Yes, I would like tea, why don't you put it on my breasts?' 'Certainly, tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?' 'No, just fuck off'

91. So, I thought its not working, so I threw my breasts out of the window of my Lamborghini (points to his head) In my mind...No, I threw the breasts out of the window of my Ford Fiesta, (points to his head again) In my mind. Actually, I threw them out, over the handlebars of my bicycle, (points to his head and mouths the words) in my mind. And they hit a small child who ran, 'Mum, Mum, Mum... I've been attacked by... jellyfish! Jellyfish drive by shooting, just like south central L.A.' 'Huh??' 'Jellyfish attacked me!' 'Where are the tentacles?' 'I dunno, probably burned up on re-entry. Probably from Mars, Mum. Can I keep them and shove them up my jumper?'

93. You've heard on aeroplanes, they explode? And that is true, it happened to me ah, over thirty thousand feet. (mimes as if he's just having a conversation on a plane, and then his left breast explodes) 'BrrpphhZZZ' (Mimes wiping exploded stuff off of his chest and then mimes reaching up and pushing the stewardess button overhead) 'Sorry about this... Buung!' (Mimes having a sip of drink while waiting for service) 'Yes, my left breast has... exploded. Have you got a pillow? Oh, and some more nibblie, nibblies?' But then you've got one L cup boob and a D cup boob, and you get a lot of looks! I already get a lot of looks. So by the end it, I've got the fork: (Mimes stabbing himself in the right breast, then reaching up and pushing the overhead service call button again.) 'Buung!' 'Another pillow' And you go off with the biggest tits in Christendom... as the crusaders used to say!

94. Where the fuck was I? What was I talking about? (Leans ear toward audience) Breasts, yes I know generally, but how far down the breast line was I? Oh yes oh yes, exploding in aeroplanes. True, true, true. Except for the lies.

95. 'So look I did this yesterday, I spin a twig and it makes smoke and it makes orange and yellow stuff, and its kinda warm. I'm going to be famous, Sheila!' 'You're not either, come and have your salad.' 'I'm going to! invent this, and:' 'Jeff Fire!, You are not going to be famous!' 'I am Sheila! And you know what? I'm going to call it Jeff!