Eddie Izzard Quotes on Religion
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There's no Church of England fundamentalism. We can't have Church of England fundamentalism. You know, like they have Islamic fundamentalism. Jihad! : Ah ha :
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'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I did an original sin. I poked a badger with a spoon.' 'Say five Hail Mary's and six Hello Dolly's!'
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'Cause the Roman Gods up to that point were crap, you know... Jeff, the god of biscuits... and Simon, the god of hair-dos.
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'What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!'
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So King Henry, who was played by Sean Connery for this picture, said: 'Then I will set up a new religion in this country. I shall set up the... Psychotic Bastard Religion.' And an aide said, 'Why not call it Church of England, sire?' 'Ah, Church of England, that's much better... even though I am Scottish, myself.'
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[God, who was James Mason, to Noah] 'Noah, stop what you're doing and build me an ark!' [Noah, who was Sean Connery] 'I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.'
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They had a track laid out with numbers, mystic numbers- 1, 5: 7, 8, you know: A bit of a broken doll there, some girl keeping lookout with a skipping rope: (mimes skipping rope) in case the clergy came by. 'Run, run, it's the clergy! Run, it's the Pope and everyone.'
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Yes, and the Crusades were, 'We kill you in the name of Jesus!' 'Wait, we have Jesus too! He's a prophet in our religion! We kill you in the name of Jesus!' 'Do you? Well, we kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford!' 'No, he wasn't! He was from Judea! Dark-skinned man, such as we!' 'Look, it's just we've come all this way. Would you mind awfully if we hacked you to bits? Just for the press back home.'
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There's 200,000 gods in Hinduism... and they've got gods like Shiva, the God of Creation and Destruction. Which is a good god to be, 'cause you can go *WHOOM* (creates thing) 'What do you think? Do you like that? You don't like that?' *WHOOM* (destroys thing) If you're just the God of Creation, you're going *WHOOM* 'Do you like that? You don't? All right, I'll put it in the garage... shit, I haven't got a garage! *WHOOM* (creates garage)
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The major five religions being Christianity, Judaism, Islam, RCA, Sony, Buddhism and Hinduism. Because apart from the two silly ones, they've all got Jesus in them. I'm not telling you about the two silly ones. ('RCA, they're in the Middle East, aren't they?') Cost if you can't work out what they are, you're probably the person in the plane who watches when they do the belt bit.