20 Eddie Izzard Quotes on History

Eddie Izzard quotes on history

18. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. 'I claim India for Britain!' And they're going, 'You can't claim us, we live here! There's five hundred million of us!' - 'Do you have a flag?' - 'We don't need a bloody flag, this is our country, you bastard!' - 'No flag, no country! You can't have one! That's the rules, that... I've just made up.'

19. After the war, there was this feeling of no empire no longer : 'All right, come on, Europe, give these countries back. Britain?' 'What?' 'What's that behind your back?' 'Oh, it's India and a number of other countries.' 'Give them back.' 'Oh, all right. This one goes here and that one there. Oh, we need the Falkland Islands : for strategic sheep purposes.'

20. Hundred years ago Napolean goes steaming into Russia going 'I'm going to kill them all! I'm going to kill th-...oooo its a bit cold it's a bit cold!' Then Hitler tries and goes 'I've a got a better idea, i've got a better ide-...noooo it's the same idea, it's the same idea!'

21. In the 30s: Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, the second World War - the Russian front, not a good idea! Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid! 'Cause you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go for that Asia bit, but you couldn't fucking hold it! Stay in Australisia, that's the key. Then just pile up and pile up and pile up.

23. I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. And, uh : oh yes. You tear your history down, man! Thirty years old, let's smash it to the floor and put a car park here!

27. Japan and Germany should be the peacekeepers of the world. They should be parachuted in whenever something breaks out. Parachute Germans and Japanese in. They go, 'Look, we've done this before, we've done the killing. Hello? Take it from us. Just chill, chill out!' And then they organise peace really efficiently: 'Peace, peace, peace - peace is organized!'

28. Italy invented fascism. Mussolini in 1922 said 'Right, we're all fascists', but most Italian people are always on scooters, going, 'Ciao!'

29. They set off from Plymouth and landed in Plymouth. How lucky is that? 'This is Plymouth? We've just come from Plymouth! We've gone round in a circle, guys, back on the boat.'

31. We had the Druids: long white robes, long white beards. Early transvestites, didn't get their shaving together.

32. 'Cause the Roman Gods up to that point were crap, you know... Jeff, the god of biscuits... and Simon, the god of hair-dos.

36. So King Henry, who was played by Sean Connery for this picture, said: 'Then I will set up a new religion in this country. I shall set up the... Psychotic Bastard Religion.' And an aide said, 'Why not call it Church of England, sire?' 'Ah, Church of England, that's much better... even though I am Scottish, myself.'

39. We play bad guys in Hollywood movies because of the Revolutionary War : oh yes, will you never forget - you big elephant you. And the French, who were on your side in the Revolutionary War (as you well know...), they play more esoteric characters. They play characters who turn up and go, 'My name is Pierre. I am 53. I have come to have sex with your family.' And the father of the house saying, 'Help yourself! Because of the debt of honour owed to General Lafayette.' [to audience] You know your own history, yeah? [pause] You don't know who he is, do you? What's this, the Spanish-American War, the French-Banana war? What?

52. Back in the '40s and '50s they took sex out. I don't know, the Noel Coward -sort of 'Into Which We Serve'-type films: [In a posh accent] 'Darling, I'm off to the war.' 'Don't go, darling, don't go to the war.' 'I must go to the war, darling, they won't start without me.' 'Don't go, darling, it's dangerous- rat-tat-tat boom, and all those noises.' 'I must go, darling, it's my duty as a Cockney man.' All the accents were really fucked, weren't they? 'We, as East enders - we as people from the East End of London, the working class of London, we must go with our strange accents: go to the war. I must do it.' If that's the East End of London accent, then what's a posh accent? '(exaggerated posh accent, complete nonsense)' said a posh person to me today: He also said, '(more nonsense)' And I believe him!

64. 'What? : The Carthaginians are attacking? God, I knew they'd do that. What? : They are attacking over the Alps? Damn, I knew they'd do that. What? : They're coming on Elephants? : Where'd they get the Elephants? There aren't any Elephants in Europe. This I got to see : are you sure? : It's not just a typo mistake? Perhaps the Carthaginians are attacking over the alps and they are in their element? Kind of upbeat, you know. They're coming on fucking elephants, huh.'

73. Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a [air quotes] 'Genocidal Fuckhead [pause; air quotes again] with bunny rabbit ears'. But he didn't, he wimped out, and since then History has renamed Pius XII as 'Pope Gutless Bastard I'.

75. Make-up's just crazy anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them... until uhh... well, until you killed them all.'

77. And then the Roman Empire fell. It fell like this: 'oh, shit'

97. And there were two types of Human bipedy type things! There was Neanderthals, and Homo Sapiens. We were like cousins, like kissing cousins, except we didn't kiss. Neanderthals, of course, heavy eyebrow-ridge, were kind of: 'Uh... uohh... ohha' You know, with that look of 'I've got a headache...'. Very hardy, but not so bright upstairs. Whereas Homo Sapiens were slightly more: 'How're you getting on, Neanderthal? Everything... all going alright?' Neanderthal: 'Erm, not too good... yesterday... we went hunting... and... half our tribe... was killed... when they fell on themselves... and I... I've hurt my knee... and we've got no... butter.' Homo Sapien: 'Yes, well always good talking to you! Must go, got some swatches of moss for the new cave we're moving into. A local chap's doing some paintings of things, jumping things... Gazelles... or whatever. It's pretty good, should fetch a pretty penny in a couple of years. Where are you living these days?' Neanderthal: 'I am living in a pit of my own excrement.' Homo Sapien: 'Ah, good idea, keeps you warm, yeah?' Neanderthal: 'Uh, what?' Homo Sapien: 'Well your poo keeps you warm, is that right?' Neanderthal 'Uh thi th h...?' Homo Sapien: 'Your poo, from your body... body heat... is that the idea...?' Neanderthal: 'Um no, sort of that... the estate agent said bathroom en-suite.'

98. So Neanderthals, they died out. Two hundred thousand years - they developed for two hundred thousand years, and then went 'Ah, fuck it!'.

99. And thank god they died, 'cause if they had made it through, then humans - Homo Sapiens - wouldn't have made it, and everything would be different! Television would be... you know, Book of the Month club on television would be: Neanderthal presenter: 'And now we have the professer... uh... whaddayou think of this book?' Neanderthal professor: 'Wha...?' Presenter: 'What do you think of this book, in a critical way?' Professor: 'It's alright...' Presenter: 'There you have it, it's alright!'