Ambrose Bierce Quotes on Satire
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Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
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Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
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Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh.
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Freemason, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, Thothmes, and Buddha.
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Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
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Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
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Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
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Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
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Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.