Selected parody quotes

1. Bear in mind the simple rule, X squared to the power of two minus five over the seven point eight three times nineteen is approximately equal to the cube root of MCC squared divided by X minus a quarter of a third percent. Keep that in mind, and you can't go very far wrong.

2. I'm working on 'Buffy: Deep Space Nine. It will be dark and badly received.

3. Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not money, I am become as a sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not money, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not money, it profiteth me nothing. Money suffereth long, and is kind; money envieth not; money vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. ... And now abideth faith, hope, money, these three; but the greatest of these is money.

4. Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50! The fucking whore!

5. Georgie Porgie Puddin' and Pie Jerked off in his girlfriend's eye When her eye was dry and shut Georgie fucked that one eyed slut!

6. Twinkle, twinkle little star, How I wonder what you are. Shine upon the parking lot, As I eat my girlfriend's twat!

7. Hickory Dickory Dock My balls fell out of my jock. I laid them to rest On some hooker's chest And paddled her face with my cock.

8. Roll, roll, roll your cunt Gently down my prick. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Then you'll suck my dick.

9. Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet A lightbulb was stuck up her ass. It woke up the spider Who lived deep inside her. He said 'Hey, free electric and gas.'

10. Jack and Jill went up the hill And Jack would try to hump her. Jill said No / and Jack said So I'll ram it in your dumper.

11. Twinkle twinkle little star, Will she blow me in the car. I bought her dinner, she had fun. My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.

12. Jack and Betty, up in a tree F-U-C-K-I-N-G First comes Betty, then comes Jack Then comes the goo from Betty's crack.

13. Samuel L. Jackson : No I can't stop yellin', 'cause that's how I talk! Ain't never seeeeen my movies!? Juice! That was a good one! Deep Blue Sea! They ate me! A FUCKING SHARK ATE ME! DRINK, BITCH! (after the white men take a sip)Jurassic park...

14. Hey, uh...ya got any gum? (Norm MacDonald playing Letterman on SNL)

15. King Richard (Patrick Stewart): 'From this day forward, all toilets in this kingdom shall be known as...'John's'!'

16. Robin Hood: Unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a English accent.

17. Sheriff of Rotingham King illegal forest to pig wild in it a is!

18. President Skroob (Mel Brooks): 'What the hell, it works on Star Trek!'

19. Dr. Frankenstein: (Gene Wilder): 'Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags?' Igor: (Marty Feldman): '[doing a Groucho Marx] Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban.'

20. [on ancient poetry] Nog Nog! Mkellen bebog! V'luch Matuch Maluch M'tog!

21. Excuse me, is this England? (while in a Hitler costume, after crash landing in England at the height of the Battle of Britian)

22. (Spoofing Mr. Rogers) It's a beautiful day in the neigborhood... oh damn. Someone stole my sneakers. We're gonna do some wonderful things today, boys and girls, but first, you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house... Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay? (Pause) He knows where he's going. (makes beep sound) pop goes the weasle. That's severe radiation. Can you say severe radiation? Oh, look you got a little balloon, now.

23. DW is based on a slew of old myths, which reach their most 'refined' form in Hindu mythology, which in turn of course derived from the original Star Trek episode 'Planet of Wobbly Rocks where the Security Guard Got Shot'.

24. [advertising for McCreedy Funeral Services] Bodies that look so good, you're gonna wanna talk to it!

25. [in a Prune Candy commercial, singing] Dragon foot, bamboo pole, little mouse, Chinese boy, Prune Candy!

26. Whom does the prime minister prefer? Funky Wunkey, Shipsy, Ho, or Waa-Waa?

27. 'I heard that they hang you upside down and kick your face out the back of your ass. I also heard they use hot bacon grease about the face?' (from 'Facelift Without Surgery')

28. Old Mother Hubbard went to her cupboard To get her old dog a bone And when she bent over, Rover took over! He gave her a bone of his own

29. Hey diddle diddle, The cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon. That's more than my lazy wife does, The fat, fuckin' smelly baboon

30. Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard To get her old dog a snack. The cupboard was bare, She didn't despair. She let Rover munch on her crack

31. Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater. Whacked off in the movie theater. Sprayed his load across the screen And ruined Titanic's final scene

32. Ha ha! We are just poking a little friendly fun at Germany, which is famous for enjoying a good joke, or as the Germans say, 'Sprechnehaltenzoltenfussenmachschnitzerkalbenrollen.' Here is just one hilarious example of what we are talking about:

33. 'Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: except for Mr. McMahon and his disciple.' (during the McMahons-in-church episode, reading a McMahonism mock rendition of Psalm 23

34. But first, an exciting new product from Peenman Enterprises!

35. God, I'm gonna kill. I'm gonna kill slow and I'm gonna kill thoroughly.

36. The best thing that we can hope for is that the Earth stops spinning, then the Mir spacecraft falls on Cameron Manheim.

37. I'm in Canada, obviously, because my life's been threatened directly by Al Gore. He's always hated me because I invented the Internet.

38. And now... Coast to Coast with Art Bell. I'm Ross Mitchell. I'm a former member of ABBA.

39. To call Art: West of the Rockies, just pick up your phone and dial 'Art'; East of the Rockies, dial 'Bell'; South of the Rockies... well that would be Mexico, wouldn't it?

40. What about a high left, kick fake to the right chop and a power-right fist? Man, you are dead, dead, dead.

41. I could be a gay James Bond.

42. Strategery.

43. Austin Powers in Goldmember