Winston Churchill Quotes on Humor
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I remember when I was a child, being taken to the celebrated Barnum's Circus, which contained an exhibition of freaks and monstrosities, but the exhibit on the program which I most desired to see was the one described as 'The Boneless Wonder'. My parents judged that the spectacle would be too demoralizing and revolting for my youthful eye and I have waited fifty years, to see The Boneless Wonder sitting on the Treasury Bench.
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We are waiting for the long-promised invasion. So are the fishes.
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When I warned them that Britain would fight on alone whatever they did, their generals told their Prime Minister and his divided Cabinet, 'In three weeks England will have her neck wrung like a chicken... ' Some chicken; some neck.'- Refering to France in a speech to the Canadian Parliament 1941
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I am prepared to meet my maker; whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
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This is the type of arrant pedantry up with which I will not put.
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I think I can save the British Empire from anything - except the British.
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A modest man, who has much to be modest about.
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Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.
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He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath
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His ear is so close to the ground, it has locusts in it.
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I am a sporting man. I always like to give trains and aeroplanes a fair chance of getting away.
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I cannot pretend to feel impartial about colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones, and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns.
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I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.
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I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
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The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whisky. By diligent effort, I learnt to like it.
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When I was younger I made it a rule never to take strong drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.
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Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I'd poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.
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Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk. Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.
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Young man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet. Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.
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Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds? Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course... Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds? Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?! Churchill: Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.
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Unknown MP sitting behind Churchill on the back benches during his twilight years, to adjacent colleague, sotto voce: He's not what he used to be. They say he's gone senile. Churchill, turning around to face them: And they say he has gone deaf as well!
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An empty taxi arrived and out of it stepped Attlee.