Jon Stewart Quotes on Humor
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Little and hairy. But if [The New York Post] want to go with smart and stylish then hey, more power to them. Good luck.
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I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.'
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You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.
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I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay.
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My life [is] a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
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We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.
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It's a brilliant metaphor. What I meant to say was, when you see a monkey masturbating at the zoo...
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[Robert Novak] apparently, they say, broke his hip. I think it's not the case. I believe his hip tried to escape.
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They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'
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I do have some sad news to report. Bjork couldn't be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
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Tonight is the night we celebrate excellence in film, with me, the fourth male lead from Death to Smoochy. Rent it.
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Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.
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Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.
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Hitler: (biting into a bagel) First of all, Larry, I don't know what I was so afraid of. These are delicious!!!
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Through most of colonial history, inhabitants of the 13 colonies were loyal subjects of the British crown - resourceful, dedicated and as the Third Duchess of Kent... was fond of saying, 'Some tea-drinking' motherfuckahs.' In fact, whenever the subject of the New World was mentioned, the Duchess could always be counted on for a wistful head-shake and a hearty 'Motherfuckahs love that motherfuckin' tea.'
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You know, I'm sorry. Normally we have all the writers. We've got a big group of people kicking that soundbite around, but right now it's just me. So... let me see if I can, just quickly, whip something up here; erm... erm... ooh! I've got something. FUCK YOU!
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I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president...' and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
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I'm 145 pounds of asthma.
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Clearly, I like to poke fun.