My life [is] a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

If done for the right reasons, liberating a country from a despot, I don't see how that's immoral. Ah, done quickly, and then we all leave, yeah that's kind of…

We declared war on terror-it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.

I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay.

'If I had been born ugly, you would never have heard of Pele.'

[Robert Novak] apparently, they say, broke his hip. I think it's not the case. I believe his hip tried to escape.

Mommy, why does daddy cuss the TV and call it Howard?