(When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) 'Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air - in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy.'

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumsize yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an…

Never allow a nervous female to have access to a pistol, no matter what you're wearing.