23 The Rock Quotes on Humor

The Rock quotes on humor

4. Well since Rock's baby left him... He found a new place to dwell... It's down at the end of Jabroni Drive at... Smackdown Hotellalalalalaaaa!

6. Hold the mic up, jabroni, before The Rock slaps the taste out of your mouth! You *referring to Stone Cold Steve Austin* come out here and you spit your little talk about how the Rock comes out and spits his little nursery rhymes. Well, I'll tell you what, the Great One has a little nursery rhyme for you, Stone Cold, and it goes like this: Mary had a little lamb... Well, I'll tell you what, piss on the lamb, piss on Mary, and piss on you! The Rock is gonna go out there tonight and do what do what he does best, and that's lay the smackdown on your roody-poo *crowd finishes it for him by saying 'candy ass'* - Uh uh! Hey! Don't do it! Don't do it, because the Rock guaran-damn-tees to prove to you *points to audience*, you *points to interviewer*, this goof holding the camera, this chick gawking at the Rock, he will prove to the millions *crowd finishes it for him* and millions of the Rock's fans exactly why the Rock is the Great One, exactly why the Rock is the chosen one, and exactly why the Rock is without a shadow of a doubt the best damn WWF champ there ever was, if you smelllllll *crowd says 'smell' along with him* - Hey! Uh uh Philly! This ain't sing-a-long with the champ! If ya smelllllalalalalow what the Rock... *The Rock pauses very theatrically, lifts a hand to his face, uses it to turn his head to the side, pushes his chin down, and cocks the People's Eyebrow* ...is cooking!

7. Stone Cold Steve Austin... The Rock knows how much you like to drink. So The Rock is offering you a couple of drinks tonight. The drinks are on The Great One. But here's a stipulation, Austin: The Rock says don't get drunk and pass out, or else you'll wake up with The Rock's fist in your mouth, and his foot up your ass!

9. Your house started to shake, the heavens opened up, and God Himself spoke to you and said this: 'Bob...' (little boy voice) 'But my name's Billy.' (back to Rock-voice) 'IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!'

10. Now, Bad Ass, you run your mouth about SummerSlam. Well, here's the situation. The Rock says this: if the Rock hits you, he'll kill you. If he misses, the wind behind the punch will give you pneumonia and you'll die anyway, so the choice is yours, jabroni!

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

12. Big Show, you think you impress the Rock? Let The Rock make something perfectly clear to you. You have never, and The Rock means never, impressed The Rock. From the time your crappy music hits... Well, it's the Big Slow! And every single Rock fan stops, pauses, and takes a look, and they all say this: 'I'm going to take a leak; this guy sucks!'

13. 'And you walk down the Rock's ramp and you step over the top rope, like that's supposed to impress somebody! And then, Big Show, you do something that is, without the shadow of a doubt, the most impressive thing the Rock's seen, and that's this-- (lifts hand in the air, Big Show-style and moans) huuuaaaagh!'

16. Look at you just looking at the Rock, gawking at the Rock; you ought to be ashamed of yourself, a woman your age looking at the Rock like this!'

17. *The Rock puts his t-shirt over Michael Cole's face* You keep your head right there, jabroni! Don't move The Rock's electrifying t-shirt. The Rock says this. *turns to Michael Cole* The Rock said don't move your head! Undertaker, you talk about The Rock! You run your mouth about The Rock and like you've just unturned a stone. You've turned over a stone that's never been turned over before, on how The Rock writes checks that his ass can't cash because The Rock talks trash! Like all of a sudden, nobody knows The Rock talks trash! The Rock lives, breathes, talks trash all day long! *removes sunglasses* As a matter of fact, Undertaker, The Rock... As a matter of fact, Undertaker, The Rock talks trash in his sleep. Just like this... *closes eyes and says in sleepy voice* roody poo candy ah... layeth the smacketh down on your candy... know your role... *opens eyes and snaps out of sleepy mode* The fact of the matter is this, Undertaker... *puts sunglasses back on* ...Is that tonight, and you and Big Show, it doesn't matter who it is because whether it is here tonight, or whether it is at Unforgiven, every damn night of the week, if you shut your mouth, *points in another direction* you shut your mouth, this goof holding the camera shut his mouth, *points in another direction* this chick gawking at The Rock shut her mouth... *points at Mankind* You be quiet, *points at Michael Cole* you too! Shh, shh, shh! If you listen, all The Rock's fans are chanting his name. *Fan's chant 'Rocky! Rocky!'* *Mankind starts chanting 'Rocky!' with the crowd, and The Rock points at him to stop him* Eh-eh! *points at Michael Cole* Keep your head still, jabroni! The Rock says this, is that tonight, he's gonna do one thing and that is lay the smackdown on your ROO-DY POO *crowd finishes it by chanting 'CANDY ASS'* if you smell what The Rock is cookin'!

20. 'Do you remember how, all year long, the only thing Rock wanted to do in your class was make pancakes?' 'You still like to cook? Still like to bake bread? And you know your rolls, right?' 'The Rock says this. You should know your role, and shut your mouth; take a little walk down Know Your Role Boulevard, hang that right on Jabroni Drive, and check your Aunt Jemima, no-pancake-having ass directly into the Smackdown Hotel!'

27. Go back to Supercuts and get your $5 back, jabroni.

36. The Rock could just imagine what you were like in High School! The oldest 27 year old senior the world has ever seen! Standing outside your house with your momma, and that short little yellow bus pulling up in front - beep beep, beep beep, beep beep! You just walk in on the bus, go into class, get inside the classroom, teacher up on the blackboard 'Ok class, what is 2 + 2? Do you know Booker?' 'Oh yeah I know the answer to that, 2 + 2? Thomas Jefferson, sucka!'

39. On this night 25 years ago, from the testicles of Vince McMahon himself came something so horrifying it sends chills up and down the bodies of men all over the world: tonight marks the birth of Stephanie McMahon.

46. Eddie Guerrero, you want a shot at the Great One but there's only one problem. It's you never told him whether you you were Cheech or were you Chong! Y arriba y arriba ! Oh yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, The Rock ain't done! The Rock's got some more and it goes like this. Guerrero and The Rock in this ring will meet and when it's all over The Rock whooping ass on Latino Heat! Y arriba y arriba !

51. Okay okay okay! But let The Rock understand this big shot. You wanna go? Is that what you wanna do, Triple H? You and the The Rock, Triple H, one more time, do you wanna...go?' 'I would LOVE to go.'(Triple H) 'Well then go get The Rock a baloney sandwich 'cause this doesn't concern you. -both directed towards Triple H, during the same promo.

54. The Rock knows exactly who you are! There's a green shirt, H on your chest, green mask ... oh you're the Hamburglar!

63. Where's Snow White and the rest of the Seven Dwarves? Sumbitches... Is this the best you got, Eric Bischoff? Sending The Rock out with a bunch of Oompa Loompas? (referring to CSC Event Staff escorting The Rock from the building. They are all smaller than him and with beer bellies.)

65. (To Trish Stratus) Hey Mama! How you doin'? How you- no no no no no! The Rock's gotta go. Don't look at the People's Package. (To Tyson Tomko) Hell, you too, don't look! But it's cool, man! It's all good, I like your show, 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'. It's all good!

66. (To Hurricane and Rosey, the Super-Hero In Training) Aww, here are my boys, yeah! Hamburglar! Grimace! Naw, I'm only playin'. (to Hurricane) What it is, you, man! (to Rosey) Damn you don't talk every time the Rock gets around, you talk, man? Don't get like that! I bet you know how to say 'Super-size me' though, don't ya?

71. MANKIND: 'Rock, what I'm about to do is show the millions--' THE ROCK: (Rock holds out his hand to stop Mankind) 'Don't you EVER do that again.' LAWLER: 'Gimmick infringement!'

109. I'm gonna stick your head so far up your ass your gonna have to cut holes in your nipples to see!

111. (Addressing Billy Gunn) The night you won King of the Ring, you got down on your kness, and you said a prayer and it sounded like this: (whiny voice as Billy Gunn) 'Oh dear God, you see, my name's Billy, and I just won King of the Ring. But there's one problem. Everybody still thinks (in more strident tones)THAT I ABSOLUTELY SUCK!' And then Billy, the clouds parted, the Heavens opened, and God Himself spoke to you and said this: 'BOB,' 'But my name's Billy.' 'IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! BOB, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT; YOU DO SUCK!'

112. Take a little walk down Know You Role Boulevard, hang that right on Jabroni Drive, and then proceed to check your Aunt Jemima no-pancake-havin' ass di-rectly into the Smackdown Hotel!

     Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.