22 Rita Rudner Quotes on Humor

Rita Rudner quotes on humor

1. We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and: get more feet.

2. I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

5. [One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)

6. Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

7. I don't even know how this word came into being: 'aerobics'. I guess gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'.'

9. Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about 'New Car Interior'?

10. I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.

11. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

12. I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

13. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

14. I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

15. I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

16. I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

17. I'm just like Dr. Phil, except I have hair, and I don't help anybody.

18. In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

19. Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

21. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

22. My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

23. My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

24. My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

25. Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, 'Look, it's always gonna be me!'

28. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.