David Letterman Quotes on Humor

26 quotes

  1. In My Pants!

  2. Do I think there is a heaven? Uhhh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.

  3. For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

  4. Hang on to your wigs and keys.

  5. Hello. I'm David Letterman and I'm not wearing any pants.

  6. Hey, uh...ya got any gum? (Norm MacDonald playing Letterman on SNL)

  7. I need 4 hot dogs with everything, one plain.

  8. I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock.

  9. I'm not paranoid. I'm not a dope. I'm not like a lot of these... paranoid dopes.

  10. I'm not the kind of man that likes to blow his own horn, although if I could I would.

  11. It's cold enough to hang meat in here!

  12. On the drums, Juan Manuel Fandango!

  13. There is no Chinese word for 'Fun Fur'.

  14. There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

  15. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

  16. US forces think they know the location of Saddam Hussein's sons...Uday, Qusay and Gary.

  17. Wouldn't it be nice if you download what your car alarm sounds, like a ring-tone?

  18. You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.

  19. (Before Green Day) Whenever our next guests are on the show, we hope and pray that they don't break anything.

  20. Letterman: 'Oh, stop it! Will you stop? Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume. Turn down the volume immediately! She can't be stopped! There's something wrong with her!'

  21. Madonna: 'You're not funny anymore, you're just a suck-up to all the guests.' Letterman: 'I can suspend that behavior tonight, if you like.'

  22. I just love autumn in New York - watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

  23. It's tax time once again, and the hookers in Times Square - god bless 'em - they're getting into the act. For an extra $50, they'll handle your extension.

  24. It's the Chinese 'Year of the Pig' - I'm still writing 'Year of the Monkey' on all my checks.

  25. There is no 'off' position on the genius switch.

  26. It was so hot today that Larry King was seen only wearing suspenders. Wonder what he was holding up.

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