35 Chris Rock Quotes on Humor

Chris Rock quotes on humor

3. Don't go to parties with metal detectors. Sure, it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggers waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

5. Woman in audience: Hey, Chris! Chris: Hey, girl! Gimme back my money!

7. Debbie Thomas married a white man. Walked down the aisle! I was mad at first. I was like, 'Damn, Debbie. What do I got to do : to get with you?' Then I thought it over and said, 'You know what? I bet she didn't meet a lot of brothers on the ice!'

8. 'Yo, I heard Chris got hit by a bus!' 'Fucked around with a white girl!'

13. Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

14. A black man failing black history : you know, fat people don't fail cooking.

15. This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in it!

21. Community college is like a disco with books: 'Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!'

27. If a kid calls his grandma 'Mommy' and his mommy 'Pam', he's going to jail!

28. You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders. : Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, 'Damn, he must have did something.'

29. Every time a man's being nice to you [women], he's offering you dick.

33. A bunch of girls say, 'You don't need no man to help you raise no child' : shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don't mean it's to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don't make it a good fucking idea!

35. That's right, 'tell your mama', 'tell your mama', 'tell your mama' : nobody tells daddy shit!

46. My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil' Jon. You know that shit: 'To the window! To The Wall! [crowd sings along] To the sweat drip from my balls!' You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. 'To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls!' I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, 'Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?' 'Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!'

49. The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body: 'Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick!'

55. That tiger ain't go crazy; that tiger went tiger! You know when he was really crazy? When he was riding around on a unicycle with a Hitler helmet on!

58. [R Kelly]'s got a lot of balls. Talking about 'it ain't me'. Got a damn sex tape out; 'it ain't me'. Motherfucker, we know what you look like. That's you, okay? There's a damn Soul Train award right next to the bed.

61. You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do : is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about fucking, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He's like, 'Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now!'

63. You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, 'USA! USA! USA!' Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?

66. Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang. 'I'm conservative', 'I'm liberal', 'I'm conservative'. Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I've got some shit I'm conservative about, I've got some shit I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!

67. Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check : is wealthy. 'Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!'

71. Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Fuck you. Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans : fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy.'

74. 'What's in the tea?' 'Water, bitch!'

75. Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

82. It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, 'cause you know they're fucking. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels!

86. Is it just me, or is Jermaine Jackson the greasiest nigger you ever seen in your life? Every time Jermaine comes on, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen! Can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on. Even the police can't catch his ass, 'cause every time they try, he just slips out! They be like, 'Somebody throw some sand on that nigger! Please!'

87. Shit, every woman in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man. A good girlfriend too, it's like, 'Yeah, I'll go shopping with her, but I ain't gonna leave that bitch alone with my man for five minutes, no.' I remember one time, I was at a restaurant with me, my wife, and her girlfriend. And my wife gets up and goes, 'Honey, I'm going to the bathroom.' And I'm like, 'All right, honey, I'll see you when you get back.' And she goes, 'No, you coming with me!' She made me come with her to the bathroom! And she did the right thing, 'cause I'd have fucked the girl; I'da fucked her. I'd have fucked her on a damn quesadilla, I didn't give a fuck.

89. Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.

90. Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

91. Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow.

92. The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl.'

95. You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

98. Yo, what's up! This is Chris Rock, and I'm with my man Lil Jon, and we stay in the club! We live in the club! We die in the club! We get our car washed in the club! We go to school in the club! We go to the cleaners in the club! We do everything in the motherfucking club! We got to church in the club! We never leave the motherfucking club! We pay our taxes in the club! We go to library in the club!

99. Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

101. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.