The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl.'

Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow.

Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest …

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

Is that what he said? Is that what he said? He can talk! No, it's true. I'm terrible. Do you know what? I've got quite an easy job. I've just got to look at pe…

[Malipiero's advice to Casanova.] If you wish your audience to cry, you must shed tears yourself, but if you wish to make them laugh you must contrive to look …

You can pretend to be serious but you can't pretend to be funny.